Pope updates the 10 commandments

Funny story written by matwil

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

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'I was only obeying orders, mein Fuhrer'

To keep up with the times and to help modernise the Church, Pope Benedict rewrote the ten commandments, and here are the new ones:

1. Thou shalt not kill, unless thou dost kill a British bomber crew that are trying to end the most evil regime in history

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's land, unless it's called Poland

3. Thou shalt honour thy mother and father, by reporting them to the authorities for telling jokes about the King

4. Thou shalt not make idols, unless those idols all just happen to look like a Palestinian religious teacher and his mother

5. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbour, unless your neighbour is Muslim or Jewish or a Hindu, or even a [gulp] Protestant

6. Thou shalt not steal. Well, go on then, just make sure you only steal from South Americans

7. Thou shalt not speak Greek or Russian, except when occupying Greece and Russia

8. Thou shalt dress in women's clothing and never get married, but deny any iffiness involved in doing so

9. Thou shalt help thy brethren escape to safety in Brazil, to avoid the courts of Canaan

10. Thou shalt deny Jesus was married and had children, and that his wife did verily emigrate to France

'Any who fail to obey the new commandments will be hunted down by the Spanish Inquisition - I mean, will be forgiven and allowed to live in peace', the Pope added. 'Ave Caesar.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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