Written by dgwest7

Sunday, 1 March 2009

image for Humans declared as "endangered species"
Brian waiting for the number three bus.

With the extinction of the human race becoming a very serious possibility, The Nation United, a football club based in the outer reaches of British West Bradford, has declared the human race as a protected species.

Humans were placed on the endangered list just after United scored the winning goal against The Wunch, a collective name for the team of bankers.

The wunch of bankers looked as though they would win, with a half time lead of a score of goals, giving United a greater drawback than an elephant's foreskin.

The United substitute, a gorilla that had been transferred for an undisclosed fee from Bertram Mills Bigtops, repeatedly balanced the ball on his huge forehead, sprinted down the field, and dropped the ball where the Wunch's goalie, Master Bates, had no chance of saving it. This occurred an amazing twenty one times, after which Bates was heard to say "My flabber is completely ghasted"

This idea of a Human Reserve was triggered by news of the escape of a fully grown male panda called Brian, who walked out of the panda reserve in Sichuan, China, knowing that, as a protected species, no-one cold harm him.

He overcame his initial animal urges to mate with a sales assistant in the Yves St Laurent shop in the centre of Chengdu, and took his place on the rostrum to make his inauguration speech as the new manager of "The Reserve for the Protection of Human Life".

He surprised the entire audience, who were not aware that pandas speak with a French Canadian accent, by opening with a zebra joke, which some people considered to be racist.

He went on "I expect most of you are a little underwhelmed to see me here today, and my fivefathers of eleventeen millennia ago could never have imagined that this event would take place. They never dreamed that a panda could take a number three bus from Sichuan to arrive here in Beijing in time for opening of this new Human Reserve".

"We pandas sincerely hope that this new reserve will help to keep the human race alive for many millennia to come, and we politely ask that everyone respects the beauty and importance of this location known as Earth, as there are so many people who have mysteriously disappeared over the last five thousand years due to an incurable disease called death."

When interviewed later by Ben Fulford, who asked how he had managed to survive so long, Brian replied " There are several factors that contribute to the longevity of the race. He said that they had managed to survive so long by eating only those things that grew faster than they could be eaten, and by living totally within nature. He also said that the prevention of French auctioneers from selling the living body of the sales girl in the Yves St Laurent shop was a major contributor."

After the amazing victory over The Wunch, The Nation United supporters had passed round the hat, and collected enough to stimulate Obama into donating America as a part of the reserve, under the management of China because the Peoples Republic of China had done such a good job for Brian and his family.

A special enclosure has been built for the Rockefellers and the Rothschild's, who are considered such a danger to the human race that solitary confinement in a Butlin's holiday camp in Minehead had been deemed necessary. The Redcoats trainer, Butlin's own in-house football team therapist Red Yubook, said that they were concentrating on the dribbling, and other disgusting habits of these elderly aristocrats. They were using Mao's Little Red Book which gives the cure for being money and power-crazed, and they were sure it would work before the end of Coronation Street.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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