The mysterious jelly-like green substance found in spots around the British Isles this past month has finally been identified. First publicised by IainB at TheSpoof.com, authorities were unable to determine what it was.
Tagging the goo, "Thatcher Green's Wiggly," samples of the fowl odoriferous substance were obtained from gardener Jeremy Forthright who's garden was overtaken by the goo, and were sent to famed toxicology lab Fuckisthisshit, Inc., headquartered in Buttsfordshire Downs, United Kingdom. From there, it was sent to their specialty lab usually found floating up and down the Thames River. The company strictly deals with unidentified odoriferous foreign and/or indigenous material, including the U.S. & Euro dollar.
Preliminary results suggested that "Thatcher's Green Wiggly" was somehow related to the "crop circles" that continue to baffle scientists, and appear on occasion around the world, and to a lesser extent, in household gardens and terrariums. However, that suggestion was quickly dismissed when scientists couldn't figure out if the goo spelled anything out or formed symbols. One lady, caught running in the opposite direction of one of the green wiggly piles shouted, "You bloody fools, run fer yer lives, it's the revenge of Margaret Thatcher," referring to the former Prime Minister of England, more affectionately known as, the "Iron Lady." Thatcher served as PM of the UK from 1979 to 1990, eventually smoozing it up in the 1980's with then U.S. President Ronald Reagan, and Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev.
Confirmatory tests indicated that the jelly-like substance was linked to the political trio, (all three had this substance in their desk drawers after leaving office), and are leftover shenanigans of their ménage a trios trysts. Lead scientist, Jelly Twoshoes, confirmed that the goo was indeed a silicone based slippery agent used to reduce friction in various orifices around the human body. Left outdoors for great periods of time, the substance breaks down, expands, starts to glow, and smells like the insides of a camel's ass, hence, its fowl odoriferous aroma. Total decay of the substance occurs after 40 years, so we have about another 10 years to go yet before it is safe. This was determined by the goo's half-life.
The public is advised to avoid contact with the substance, or create shrines in honor of the three great political figures trysting around the countryside of the British Isles. Incidentally, these glowing goo mounds have recently been discovered in the United States and Russia.