Berlin - (Freezing Ass Mess): German Chancellor Angela Merkel is to introduce emergency power-generation measures following Russia's shutdown of vital gas supplies to the EU.
From this weekend all German old age pensioners are to be compulsorily cremated in state-run facilities linked to previously gas, coal, nuclear and oil-fired power stations.
"Of course the new measures will only apply to dead people," Merkel chuckled as she assured bewildered German voters last night there would be no surprise ad hoc cremations of any undeserving, eg non-dead, OAPs.
"We think the new initiative is very attractive because it fulfills all 'green' renewable energy criteria, solves the problem of non-existent cemetery space and with rampant hypothermia being what it is, the new scheme is assured of abundant winter supplies," Merkel added.
The drastic move has been described as a knee-jerk over-reaction to Russian Prime Monster Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin's cutting off of EU gas supplies following a spat with the Ukraine over unpaid bills.
A spokesman for 10 Drowning Street said today that Gorgon Brown is studying the German emergency measures with interest.
