Icelanders to British: Vikings are not Terrorists

Funny story written by Justin Satire

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

image for Icelanders to British: Vikings are not Terrorists
Brown's top secret plan decoded: Threatening signage facing in general direction of Iceland

REYKJAVIK - Relations between Iceland and Britain have chilled as British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Chancellor Alistair Darling are accused of abusing anti-terror laws to "freeze the asses" of Icelandic refrigerators in Britain.

Iceland's massive ice shelf has crumbled in recent weeks due to hot air flowing across the Atlantic from the general direction of the United States, causing the total collapse of Iceland's ice-based economy.

In an effort to slow down global warming, residents in nearby Britain have been urged by their government to resist the temptation to withdraw anything from the refrigerator and to "keep the freezer closed at all costs".

An online Icelandic petition, titled "Vikings are Not Terrorists" was subsequently posted on the Internet, along with a video of ten Lindesfarne monks who "will be beheaded" if Britain does not remove Iceland from its list of undesirables and terrorists.

In the video, a visibly shaken monk stammers as he reads from the petition, "Gordon Brown unjustifiably used the Anti-terrorism, Crime and Security Act of 2001 against the people of Iceland for his own short-term political gain." A second monk, depicted with an ice-pick held to his head, pleads, "Please, please don't let them touch my relics!"

The monk is apparently referring to the Viking attack of 793, when the monastery on the British island of Lindisfarne was pillaged, and its monks brutally slaughtered after their relics had been ripped off.

In the disturbing video, a man in a leather Halloween costume and horned helmet snatches the petition from the kneeling monk and states that "Iceland has been placed on a list of regimes subjected to sanction by the British government, joining Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, Belarus, Iran, North Korea, Sudan, Alaska, and 10 other organizations or countries known for abuse of power or oppressive dictatorships. Vikings are not terrorists!"

Claiming no ties to the radical online group, Icelandic Prime Minister Geir Haarde accused Britain of "bullying" tactics, and announced that he didn't take kindly to the possibility of having his assets frozen off "by a horde of Celts". In a loosely veiled threat, he added that "our very close and extremely accessible neighbors have not heard the end of this saga."

Meanwhile, jittery residents armed with "knitting needles, croquet mallets - anything we can find!" gathered on the shores of the British Isles in anticipation of a possible landing of Viking longboats on the beaches.

Following British tradition, women and children - who always "go first" - were strategically positioned at the water's edge, while the men armed themselves with darts and stationed themselves in the local pubs as "lookouts" for vandals.

The eyes of the world community are now focused on Gordon Brown, who faces a delicate challenge in this first international crisis of his term. In response to the threat of possible invasion, Brown swiftly called an emergency cabinet meeting in the underground bunker at Downing Street.

After three hours of deliberation behind closed doors, the British Prime Minister emerged to reveal to the press his next step, a cleverly disguised code that has experts scrambling.

"I shall cancel afternoon tea with Darling."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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