League of Women Voters Forces McCain and Obama Into 'Mock Duel' Before First Presidential Debate

Funny story written by Natowsky

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

image for League of Women Voters Forces McCain and Obama Into 'Mock Duel' Before First Presidential Debate
The Killmaster-Kill-Kill-101 Extreme Super will be used by Obama and McCain in mock duel

The impartial League of Women Voters has been in discussion with both the GOP and Dem campaign managers and for the first time is making a political statement. "We at The League of Women Voters are intervening in this divisive Presidential campaign involving an old fart, a lipsticked middle-aged, hockey-mom hottie, a Halfrican, whose hair refuses to grow, and a 'smart-assed' guy who copies stuff other people write.

Our charter on non partisanship will not work in 2008. Therefore, I, Medori B. Bukkaka, League President, have broken with tradition. Bukkaka is known for very tough tactics.

We have an upcoming Presidential debate this Friday, September 26 at the once viciously-racist and despicable, but now, gentler, University of Mississippi in Oxford. She is better known as 'Ole Miss' or 'Colonel Reb.' Still fighting the Civil War...huh! Great to see the greycoats still rage against the 5 dollar bill in this very-low intelligence state...!

Anyway, the League has decided to break the tension of tit for tat slurs and other stinking shit bewteen the two candidates. We will force a mock duel 2 hours before the debate in the manner of the famous duel of 1804 between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton in Weehawken, New Jersey. Unfortunately, Hamilton, the good guy, was whacked, but, at least, he made the 10 dollar bill. Nice engraving!

We have spoken to the head honchos of the donkey and elephant parties and warned them that if the duel is not executed at 6 PM on September 26, before the 8 PM Presidential debate, that the League will ignore 3,000,000 voter registration cards in hot locales on November 4. Yes, we will put the fear of God into the slime of this contest.

The rules are as follows:

  1. Obama and McCain will dress in the style of 1804, but Obama will wear no shackles.
  2. Both men will be equipped with Killmaster-Kill-Kill-101 Extreme Super paint ball guns with its 'HOT BALLS' feature. The paint balls are quickly preheated (in the gun) in less than 1 second to 310 less degrees F before being fired. A hit can cause a painful 1st degree burn.
  3. Both will wear facial protection. Balls are 2 inches in diameter, much like testicles.
  4. Obama will use 'Custom Palin Red Paint,' while McCain will use Mary Kay's 'Pinky Pink.'
  5. The distance between the men shall be 30 feet.
  6. One shot per man. McCain will be back supported, so that any shot won't knock over the old codger and break his back, neck, head, etc. The support will be his total height.
  7. A coin toss will allow the winner of the coin flip to choose the order of firing.
  8. The winner will be the man whose paint ball has hit his opponent closest to the heart.
  9. Each man has already recorded and will make the following statement prior to firing at his opponent:

Before the duel, the two guys tough-talked it out at a press conference. Here's what the boys had to say:


McCain you old fat ass, almost-dead Republican. You'll die in office with 'The Lipstick Queen' running the show after. She has set you up, as you have the hots for her. So do I! (cheer expected). I blame you and Bush and the whole GOP for the Wall Street debacle, the crummy economy, the Iraq War, the loss of 800,000 jobs, so far, this year, and World hatred for the USA. I now prepare to strike your heart with my loaded Killmaster-Kill-Kill-101 Extreme Super.

Soon Palin's red lust will be at your heart.


You're a short termer with no managerial experience, and a Senator who once disorganized communities and had no positive results. You spout lower taxes and health care, while you roam the heavily-unemployed areas in a disgusting show of patriotism. That's almost treason about the USA! (cheers).

You're just pissed, because you missed the American dream. I shot up houses and villages in Nam, growled like a tiger when they fed me raw boar liver, and sometimes had me a little birthday poon for my torture. How about my 37 houses and a cold beer stockhouse in back of each. And, you mingle with Farrakhan and Reverend Wright. Tell that to the Hebs in Chicago, Brooklyn, and LA! They won't vote for you! I will outshoot you using my Nam marksmanship to stike your heart with 'Pinky Pink.'

According to Ms. Bukkaka, wearing an exceptional amount of white makeup against her slightly-olive Japanese-American skin, "The winner shall receive the first-ever League of Women Voters Crown and both shall enjoy some brewskies and the best Southern style brats. Then, you two guys will be relaxed for the 8 PM debate, no matter who won the duel."

Regarding the debate, Dr. Robert C. Khayat, Chancellor of the once lillywhite school, where the best degree a black person could once get was a B.S. in Toilet Cleaning, told our Coordination Team a few key points. "The debate will focus on foreign policy and national security issues, a strong area for the somewhat fragile 'Gray Man' from Arizona.

During tbe debate, the candidates can grab some frad cheeken, or Bah Bee Q, grits, graveee, 3-bean salad, and corhhn bread. Wash it down with heavily sweetened iced tea. And, us bigger school hot shots will be in the front row and I can even ask a question! I'll tell ya what it tis. 'If yer them that Preseedent and we gets attacked in the South by cicadas, or, is that al quadas,(?) you gonna do somethin' ta stop 'em? Like what? Remember debaters, attacks up Norrrth won't bother us Southern folk!' Wow, I'm on a roll!"

The debate will be followed by a Southern Social with mint juleps for invited guests only.

c 2008 League of Women Voters

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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