In a story reported yesterday, a piece of human feces that was purportedly the last bowel movement of Jesus Christ was discovered in a cave in Nazareth. Reporter Duncan Whitehead interviewed Dr. Knutt, finder of the now named "Holy Shit," for this publication.
The holy relic is on display in Jerusalem at the Our Lady of Flowing Incontinence Catholic Church. Reports are that Catholics around the area are making a pilgrimage to see the pile. Many are crawling on their knees to get a look and a sniff of the sacred poop. This news correspondent has learned that miracles are now being attributed to the fecal matter.
Manuel Cuntista Guadalupe Hidalgo Santa Maria Gonzalez Gonzalez De Vega, a secretary at the Mexican consulate in Tel Aviv, was a witness to the first miracle. "They placed the Holy Shit on a marble table, and it was almost like the crap fertilized the marble. Ivy with roses grew out of the stone surface and surrounded caca."
An Irish Catholic Priest, Father Fergus McCarthy, was in Jerusalem on a personal study tour. "It was a total reaffirmation of my faith. I was there when they brought the dump in. A small piece of it fell on the ground and into some rain water that had collected in a low spot. A few pigeons flew down and drank the newly consecrated Holy Water. Immediately, the birds begin singing Hosannas and Allelujias. As one of those now angelic creatures flew in circles above the church, it pooped on my bald head. Hair now grows there."
Attorney Q. Mudder of New York and London, in Israel for a legal hearing on the international rights of the multi-gendered, came on a curiousity to see the turd. "I was stuffed up with a head cold. At the sight and smell of the sacred waste, my sinuses cleared up. Smelling the Holy Shit was a breathe of fresh air! It was miracle enough to make me stop being an agnostic. Jesus voided his bowels just for me!"
Reports from Vatican City say that the Pope will change his schedule and make an immediate trip to the Middle East to worship and beatify the Holy Shit.
With special thanks to Spoof Archaeology Bureau chief Duncan Whitehead.