Written by DocORock

Friday, 4 July 2008

June 30, 2008 - Sterling, VA Nigerian victims call on US authorities to take action on "innumerable international crimes committed by thousands of United States citizens", AP states. Dubbed "the American Letter Scam", Nigerians are receiving heart-wrenching emails from US Internet users, beseeching their aid.

[Email Excerpt]

Hi, my name is John Jones and I need your help. I live in Alcott, Wyoming. My six sisters and I have been suffering dearly since our idiot parents had all our money swindled. Our dog has been missing for weeks now so we have NO source of food. Our youngest sister refuses to be eaten. We are hungry, like so many Ethiopians.

We are due a fortune from our online gambling winnings - millions of dollars! We only need a Nigerian bank account to transfer the illegal proceeds into our possession.

Please reply with your bank account information and your fax number. YOUR FAX NUMBER IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!

I know you will see it in your African heart to help us so thank you in advance and I love you.

Wealthy Nigerians are "losing their hard-earned fortunes" to these tricky schemes as they unwisely respond by fax.

Umaru Nyako, Nigeria's National Public Secretary, states, "We are appalled how human beings can be cruel like that." In an effort to relieve the African public, she adds, "We ask the US police people to give us money back. In US dollars."

FBI Director Anson Genus was assigned the case three years ago. Choking back, he states, "I wish like heck we had time to catch these...these...American criminals. Alleged criminals," he adds. "I'm sorry but we have bigger fish to fry."

Nyako responded to this statement yesterday in a press conference held in the Nigerian capitol, Nigeria.com: "Why you not help? What you working on?"

Genus released no statement in response but a subordinate did reply to the question: "Well, we've got all the crimes on the environment we have to focus on...and stuff."

Although there has been an overflow of correspondence from Nigerian authorities to random police precincts throughout the midwestern US, asking them to provide their fax numbers "because we need my money back", the US is being globally criticized for its "lackluster - somewhat smug - response to the crimes".

To this, the FBI Public Relations Office reacts: "Alleged crimes."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: America, Spam, Nigeria

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
113 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more