In a Presidential race that has seen a blackman, a white woman, and the oldest fart running for the first time for President of the U.S.--all out of character for the typical male-whitebread Presidential contest---now enter the biggest surprise of all: Mr. O.J. Simpson. O.J.'s back again folks!
The master of acquittal in all his trials to date and probably in the upcoming one for armed robbery in Vegas, we, of course, must digress in that he does owes one Fred Goldman family $33.5 million in a wrongful death civil suit involving one Ronald Lyle Goldman. The latter was Fred's adored son, a nice guy, one-time waiter, and aspiring actor, until someone slashed him mercilessly to death in June, 1994 in Los Angeles. And, from that civil suit trial, Mr. Simpson is certainly stuck with the bill, yet, hasn't forked over one shekel, nor do we expect that he will.
Now, the story gets stranger, as O.J. goes political. We told you it was a strange Presidential election year! Now, Mr. Simpson IS the Republican VP candidate! Remember, this man has never been convicted of a crime. So he's "sanitized." Thus, as luck would have it, his credentials have been scrutinized by John McCain's campaign committee and approved, and, furthermore, he will be McCain's running mate in what is expected to be the most exciting Presidential election since Kennedy-Nixon in 1960.
It's no longer speculation. In a brief EXCLUSIVE announcement this morning to WPIN news personnel, the Republcan candidate for President, John McCain, said, "Folks, my team forced this mother O.J. on me, so I could balance a probable Democratic white-chocolate sundae; black on top, the chocolate syrup, and white on bottom, the ice cream.
Look, these are tough times. I know "The Juice" can be a good man, but right now, he's an SOB. We're indoctrinating this murderer as I speak and will spiffy him up to offset some whitey Obama will choose to get a ticket acceptable to the po' folk, while I appeal to the rich real Americans."
"The Juice" was taken by surprise last night, as two police officers and two McCain high-level politicos descended upon his house where he happened to be beating up his latest blond hottie. Hey, they just wanted to offer him the second spot on the GOP ticket! When he learned of it, he screamed, "Shit damn, I knew it, I knew it! "The Juice" is back!"
McCain met with the scumbag very early this morning over grits and chitlins and explained to Mr. Simpson his role in balancing the ticket. O.J. assured Mr. McCain that ever since his USC days, where he banged all the white cheerleaders that it's been that way ever since and that he most definitely prefers white poon tang. McCain responded with, "As I was in a tiger cage, courtesy of gooks in the great Vietnam mistake, just like the slight Iraq mistake, I understand the meaning of poon tang. O.J. is a real bipartisan in that he likes white chicks for rolls in the sack. And this is a good thing, as I need a VP candidate that can balance Obama's whitey thing, whether it be that 'wanna be VP Hillary' or some other mediocrity from the Senate or Governors' camp. But I, John McCain, bring cross-party history and Obama brings Swahili. That 'jungle speak' is not relevant to the American dream!
Obama is a greenhorn to the process. I'm a tried and true crossover, but not a crossdresser, at least, not yet. I've worked with the Dems to help their poor slob constituents. Then my wife, Cindy, whose firm makes and bottles Bud, gave me a $40,000,000 birthday present, soon after we were married. So, Mr. Rogers, may he rest in peace, somewhere in his freakin' neighborhood, can now say, "Well done, John, a real American with lots of discretionary income."
I now, reluctantly, have to introduce Mr. Orenthl J. Simpson as my running mate in a very important election. Orenthal has shown budgetary restaint in betting on his golf game, now minimizes killing, easily makes buddies with enemy trash, and is a good bet that he can deal with an iron fist with the big dictators, especially Hu Jintao, the Head Chink and that greasy slimehole from Iran."
O.J. then made a brief statement. "Fellow patrons of the pigskin, I did not kill the bitch and her Jew boyfriend. But, someone nailed their butts real good. I'm clean like the Zodiac. They never caught him, so how can O.J. be a bad dude? They had sex, I mean Ronnie Goldman and my slut wife. Big deal! I say, live and let live! I do want to be your VP and I know how to cut through the gridlox in DC, but I'm really AC! Please, hold your laughter until I bring my latest snatch up to say hello. Well, that was my acceptance speech. Now, I introduce next to me, Christine Prody, the next second lady, although to me she's about the eighty- seventh lady, if you catch my drift. She's also a great hottie blond for a quickie or all-night romp.
So let's all shout, 'McCain and The Juice in 2008. What Else Can Be That Great! Now, it's on to Minneapolis-St. Paul, the first week in September! And, that Las Vegas thing will blow over. Charges will be dropped! Small cajones!"
(WPIN Copyright 2008)
