(Geezer, AZ) - The John McCain campaign today released the initial list of Vice Presidential candidates they are considering, and along with the usual suspects you might expect came a few names you might not, including actor Martin Sheen (The West Wing).
Speaking with reporters during an all night vodka and crystal meth fueled campaign brainstorming session, McCain spokesman Methuselah Jones explained the decision to look at Sheen and some of the other unconventional names on the list.
"Well, obviously we are pissing in our knickers over having to go up against Obama," Jones pointed out. "Barack is energetic, young, exciting, young, intelligent, young, not tied to 40 years of special interests and lobbyists---and did I mention he is young?
But there is more to these V.P. choices than just countering Obama's obvious strengths. According to Jones, the McCain camp also feels strongly that they need to distract people from the Arizona senator's weaknesses.
"Barack Obama has the excellent good fortune of not having been George Bush's butt monkey for the past eight years, so we really felt the need to think outside the box when picking out these Veep candidates."
In addition to Sheen, other unusual candidates on the list include Florida Governor Charlie Crist (potentially gay), radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh (fat, loud and stupid), The View panelist Sherri Shepherd (fat, black, loud and stupid), and Hermann Goering (dead and a Nazi).
"This is just a very preliminary list," Jones stressed about the group that also included more conventional candidates such as Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, and fictional Governor Willie Stark from the novel All The King's Men.
Still, Jones believes Sheen is a viable candidate.
"Martin Sheen has a lot of qualities that make him very attractive, starting with that awesome, awesome head of hair. Also a lot of very stupid people actually think Martin really is former President Josiah Bartlett (Sheen's character on the popular television show about life in the White House), and that misidentification is very appealing to us. We're always looking for ways to con votes out of the dumber members of the electorate."
Reached at a hippie commune in Malibu, Sheen agreed with Jones.
"I still get maybe 100 to 150 letters a week addressed to Jed Bartlett. Most of them are in crayon and riddled with misspellings, but the McCain people have assured me that their investigations have shown that over 85% of them are from registered voters."
Still, the idea of an actor, let alone a flamingly liberal actor, on the Republican ticket seems risky. Jones, however, believes otherwise.
"Let us not forget that Ronald Regan was a democrat during his acting days," Jones said, while cracking open a popper under his nose, "but once the roles started drying up and Ronnie realized where the money really was, he switched to the GOP pretty quick. Martin's services haven't been in high demand since The West Wing went off the air, and as an actor he's used to being told what to say and do. Sure, Martin Sheen is a liberal at heart, but if you pay him enough he will do whatever you tell him to do. Actors are really no different from whores in that respect, or politicians for that matter. Just ask Elliot Spitzer."
