Aliens claim Arctic

Funny story written by Jumble

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Unexpected visitors to the Ilullisat conference on conflicting territorial claims to the Arctic have created an uproar by asserting that they own everything north of 80 degrees.

Originally the last survivors on Mars, they left over 1000 years ago and have since kept to themselves in a settlement beneath the ice around the North Pole.

Brrrrrnik Brrrrrup, their chief negotiator, explained their situation:

"We've been leading a quiet life up there, just glad to be away from the asteroid belt. It's kind of hot, but we bought some air conditioners and it's a lot better than sitting around the Arsai Mons waiting for the next impact.

"We didn't mind the occasional explorer or those quaint nuclear powered submarines passing through, but when we heard about you guys claiming the Arctic on TV, we had to come out of the cold, you know what I mean? And by the way, you should really organize to get TV reception from Alpha Centauri, can't be beat.

"Now as we've been up there for considerably longer than any of the nations that you represent have existed, we definitely have squatter's rights, and none of you can say that you've even tried to set up permanent accomodation.

"We're happy to stay up there and mind our own business, and don't worry, we can keep it nice and cool in spite of all this climate change stuff. I mean if you want to change the climate, just do it.

"Look what we did, we used to have canals, good TV reception, the place had atmosphere. That's all history now. Let me tell you, Mars is a dump. Why you're sending these little machines up there is a mystery to us. We'll lend you a transporter, you send a few people to Mars, and they'll tell you, Earth is the place to be.

"I've got to get back to the office now, so just give me a call if you need any help with the surveying."

Conference delegates are uncertain how this news will be received when they return to their respective countries with the news that the Arctic is no longer up for grabs. Stock markets are already reacting to the loss of potential resource profits, although Brrrrrnik did offer to supply whatever raw materials might be desired at very competitive prices.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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