Written by Norton Folgate

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

image for The Bastard from Beckton
John - such a rogue

John Edwards, an unemployed refuse collector from Beckton, East London has been given an ASBO after a decade of shocking behaviour that was at times, nothing short of disgraceful.

Edwards, 51 has incurred the wrath of friends and neighbours after a catalogue of unforgettable incidents.

In 1999, he would stand outside Cinemas as people would queue to watch the hit thriller The Sixth Sense and would inform people that 'Bruce Willis is dead and a ghost'.

Another incident in 2001 saw him load 3 shopping trolleys with food; when the cashier finally bagged up all the items and informed him the total was £171.23, Edwards replied that he did not want the goods now and walked off. In 2002, he was banned from every Tesco after his obsession with putting a tube of Anusol into unsuspecting trolleys of shoppers.

He is also banned from every Wetherspoons pub in London after persistently ordering 6 x pints of lager top, 3 x pints of Guinness, 6 large Sprizters and 5 Gin and Tonics and then once the bar staff are pouring the final drink, he walks off.

Asked why he behaves like this, a remorseful Edwards said 'it's like an illness, like tourettes. It's an illness.

Unbeknown to our reporter, Edward had also urinated on her chair.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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