Vatican scientists have declared today that DNA testing has proved the exhumed remains that are currently lying in state in a church in San Giovanni Rotondo are not those of Saint Padre Pio.
When asked who the remains belong to, Cardinal Paolo Bacciagalupo, Papal spokeperson, said, "Che cazz'ne so io."
The news has reverberated like Saint Peter's bells across the Italian boot threatening to undermine the newly-elected Berlusconi government, obliterate Papal efforts for love and harmony, and destroy Italian tourism.
Meanwhile, The Swiss Guard has fled to Switzerland despite Pope Benedict XVI's entreaties that they are God's soldiers. The Jesuits and their "Black Pope," Dutch Father Peter-Hans Kolvenbach, are trying to restore order. Vatican City is in lock-down and no one may enter its borders unless wearing sackcloth-and-ashes.
In the Church of Madonna delle Grazie where Padre Pio's alleged remains are on exhibit to angry throngs of pilgrims, the local mafiosi have established an armed guard to prevent potential desecration of the crystal sarcophagus and its contents. However, the price of admission has dropped from 100 Euros to 5 Euros and a free tank of gas.
In the United States, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has weighed in on the controversy. "I always thought that wasn't Padre Pio in that crypt," he declared. "I think he's hanging out in some cave in Pakistan."