Despite press reports to the contrary, the recent operation undergone by former prisoner Naomi Campbell was a total failure.
Late last week, it had been reported there were signs of the onset of a personality, causing outbreaks of occasional humour, pleasant conversation, humility and even the odd smile.
However, it was subsequently later confirmed that these reports had been grossly exaggerated by a tabloid press keen to obtain pictures of her inner thighs and breasts.
The result was, that, late on Friday, Miss Campbell was admitted to the Sinai Hotty Totty Sanatorium, where she underwent a full personality test.
Professor I.B. Thique who supervised the test as well as the Sky recording of Simpson repeats he would miss during her stay, said:
"We spent at least 5 minutes, although it might have been nearer to 4 minutes, assessing the situation for this unfortunate woman. I'm afraid the conclusion was not good.
"We found that she is totally devoid of personality, is extremely sultry, insulting and rude. She also has a rare brain disorder called "Reversum Prostitutium" where unlike ladies of the night, she spends most of the time in bed thinking about how much she needs to earn the following day in order to justify getting up and out of it each morning in the first place .
"She is also prone to bouts of infantile writing, which she finds quite difficult, as prisoners in her profession on the catwalk have precious little vocabulary to achieve a sentence of any sustainable length, let alone produce several co-joined paragraphs to form a chapter."
Her close friend and confidante, the heiress and professional airhead Bangkok Hilton said:
"Oh my gaaaaawd. Like. Ok. Yes. Gucci. Myyyyyyy. Flubble guggle gunk. Daddy I've totalled the Bentley. Wow. Like."