Cyprus To Vote No To Partition: War Looms Beetween US/EU and India/Russia

Funny story written by alex palamedes

Friday, 23 April 2004

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"I feel taken for a ride by the Greek Cypriot government," Mr Verheugen told the European Parliament.

London's Financial Times desribed the Greek-Cypriot government as "quite unfit to join a democratic union," although it proferred no such objection to Slovenian accession, where ethnic minorities are known as 'the erased'.

"I did everything to create the conditions allowing Greek Cypriots to accept the UN plan - apparently in vain," Mr Verheugen said.

A raging General Chopra, representing Cyprus' chief military ally India, did not say whether he considered Mr Verheugen's comments to constitute a causus belli.

"In India we are very familiar with the arrogance of the northern European governments."

"When this offer, made to be refused, is refused, we advise the Americans and Germans to keep their armies and hypocrisy up their collective asses. If they shit them out, India will wipe the American forces from their European bases in Kosovo and Bosnia."

He added that the British and Americans could also say goodbye to their military bases in Cyprus.

The internationally recognised Republic of Cyprus is being blackmailed from abroad and undermined from within. A 'yes' vote will mean its citizens have no right to a national army, limits to freedom of movement, that refugees will not get their old homes back and that Turkish troops will be able to stay on the island indefinitely.

"I won't legalise the partition with my signature," said a Larnaca resident yesterday. "The Annan plan does not contribute to the peaceful coexistence of Greek Cypriots and Turkish Cypriots. It torpedoes it. It raises a wall and creates borders."

An EU spokesman expressed disappointment that Cypriots were unwilling to be participants in Washington's latest multiculturalising export. "No army, two separate states on one small island - what could be wrong with that?" he asked. "Multiculturalism means separateness - look at Bosnia, Kosovo!'

He dismissed the British Commission for Racial Equality's recent announcement that multiculturalism should be killed off.

Cyprus, he said, with its relatively more peaceful history of ethnic co-existence, had a unique opportunity to offer itself as a model to nations like Holland, France and Germany, which would soon be devolving huge powers and territorial control to their sizable North African and Turkish minorites and assenting to the presence of foreign troops on their soil.

Acting upon widespread concern that the partition referenda was being rushed through before Cyprus' accession to the EU on 1 May, Russia has voted against a UN resolution on future security arrangements for a demilitarized Cyprus, which include an arms embargo. Russia's Deputy Ambassador to the UN, Gennady Gatilov, said his country saw the resolution as an attempt to influence Saturday's twin referendums.

After Turkish threats, a half billion dollar purchase of a superior Russian version of the Patriot missile defense system was delivered to far away Crete rather than Cyprus. The defense system is now manned on Greek soil by Cypriot personnel.

One Turkish Cypriot questioned the desirabiltiy of an arms embargo, saying the US and EU were trying to pretend that the problem in Cyprus was ethnic rather than political.

"We were getting along fine with the Greeks until the Turkish Army came in 1974," he insisted. "We prefer our Greek Cypriot cousins to the settlers who came here from the Turkish interior. It's my nation. Why shouldn't we have a National Guard? If Russian technology was on this island, neither Greek or Turkish fascists would think about a coup d'eat or invasion."

Signalling popular mood against partition, a Greek-Turkish lesbian wedding is scheduled to take place in Nicosia Saturday, when voting takes place.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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