It was a stunning upset for death penalty advocates today as the Nebraska Supreme Court threw out Nebraska's electric chair as a method for deep-sixing those sentenced to death, referring to electrocution as "cruel and unusual punishment." It was the last state allowing "AC Juice" to flow through a condemned's body.
Although the chair has been axed, thirty-six states will continue to allow executions, including Nebraska.
But, before the chair could be unbolted from the floor, its wires disconnected and accessories removed in preparation for Nebraska's annual "No-Prison-Breaks Flea Market," Nebraska Legislative Representative Johnson "Killem" Slinger said, "Just hold it! The electrical stuff goes, but we keep the chair as is!" Asked by reporters why Slinger felt this way, he boasted, "Sure, they think they can take away our chair, but we can still strap 'em in and have options. I mean, we can strangle 'em, inject 'em with that three-spirit cocktail, shoot 'em by firing squad, make 'em swallow some still-allowed poison, stab 'em through the heart, hang 'em by pulling hard on a noose, use a freakin' angry pit bull, or do something really clever. I want to keep our beloved chair!"
It was only two years ago when Slinger proposed a new law in the Nebraska State Legislature that would have allowed family, friends, or unrelated others of those murdered to carry out the execution themselves in a "Baseball Bat Free-For-All." That measure failed to get even one "yes" vote, which sent Slinger into a deep depression for over a year.
