Hajj Gets Under Way Amidst Calls For "No Crushing"

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

image for Hajj Gets Under Way Amidst Calls For "No Crushing"
A pilgrim sets off on Tuesday

The Hajj, the longest sponsored walk in the Islamic calendar, gets under way today amidst calls for increased safety from Muslim leaders who say that it has become "almost too dangerous to stage".

The walk, more risky than the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, has claimed the lives of thousands of Muslims over the years, and has filled the cemetery at Mecca 'fit to busting', with a consequence that, in recent years, carrion crows have started making their own pilgrimages to the region.

Ten million Muslims take part in the fun every year in order to raise money for (CENSORED BY ADMINISTRATORS), but now the Saudi authorities have said that they are considering building "several other Meccas" around the world in order that pilgrims all over the world can celebrate the festival without the bother of actually having to get stampeded.

Known as the fifth pillar of Islam, each pilgrim to Mecca must undertake the following once he gets there: walk counter-clockwise seven times about the Kaaba, kiss the sacred black stone on its corner, run back and forth between the hills of Al-Safa and Al-Marwah, drink from the Zamzam Well, go to the plains of Mount Arafat to stand in vigil, then proceed to Muzdalifah to gather pebbles which they then throw at a rock in Mina to perform the ritual of the Stoning of the Devil, similar to what happens in Harry Potter and the Exorcising of the Were-Rabbit.

Pilgrims then shave their testicles, perform an animal sacrifice, and celebrate the four-day global festival of Eid-ul-Adha. All of the above is true, except for the part about the testicles.

Under the Law, all Muslims must undertake the journey at least once in their lifetime, or face the consequences.

The Ministry of the Hajj website has displayed a message informing participants that there must be "No Crushing" as there are reportedly still more than 500 corpses in the streets that have yet to be buried after last year's Hajj.

Sir Richard Branson, who is a megalomaniac, is reported to have indicated that he would be interested in funding Meccas in London, New York and Los Angeles, in return for a guarantee from the Grand Whackoff of Islam that he will never be behea(CENSORED BY ADMINISTRATORS).

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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