Local man says ice cream goes good with humble pie

Funny story written by lancemartin

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

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GASTON, N.C. - Local braggart Chester Ray Simmons says humble pie goes great with ice cream.

He made his comments after losing a bet with friends and going to the local diner, which was fresh out of crow.

"I reckon I'll just have to settle for a big old slice of humble pie," he told reporters gathered at Charlene's Diner.

He made it a point, however, to tell Charlene, he wanted that humble pie with a big scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Simmons ate the pie hungrily, stopping between bites only to wash the savory pie down with a big glass of milk.

After belching for a good 10 seconds, Simmons explained to reporters he was so sure Eric Clapton wrote "I Shot the Sheriff," that he would eat a big old plate of crow if he was wrong.
"When them boys went to liberry and looked it up on the computer they come a runnin' back to my shop and told me they was ready to go to the diner and watch me eat some crow," Simmons said.

Simmons, who has eaten crow numerous times in the past for his claims to know everything in the world, gladly obliged his friends and accepted all new bets on things he was sure he knew.
He was disappointed to learn Jeb Taylor, another local know-it-all, had ordered the last plate of fried crow. "I didn't feel like eating a hat and their shoe is always a little tough," he said. "I figured Charlene is about the best pie maker in three counties so I ordered up a mess of humble pie and made sure she put a big mess of that hand-churned ice cream on top of it."
Simmons said he doesn't mind losing bets knowing Charlene's is right down the road. "I'll keep coming back for more," he said.

Friends confirmed it won't be long.

"He's already saying Abraham Lincoln was the first president to throw out a baseball on opening day," said Ted Howard. "Everybody knows it was William Howard Taft in 1910."

Asked if he ever got annoyed with his friend claiming to know everything under the sun, Howard responded, "Sure we get annoyed, but every group of friends has got to have someone like him. It's fun watching him eat crows, hats, shoes and pies."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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