Aboriginal Peoples May Have Practiced Contraception

Funny story written by tzdan

Tuesday, 18 December 2007

image for Aboriginal Peoples May Have Practiced Contraception
Experts believe the ancient birth control method probably fell into disuse as it would have been a major pain in the nuts.

CANADIAN PRESS - A newly discovered inscription, believed to be Native American in origin, has given birth to the theory that some of the early Aboriginal peoples of North America may have practiced contraception.

The inscription, discovered in the bathroom stall of a highway rest-stop near Alonsa, Manitoba, reads:

    In the days of old
    When the nights were cold,
    And the braves yearned to be laid
    They would tie shawls
    Snugly 'round their balls,
    So babies were not made.

Native Studies and Anthropology experts from the University of Manitoba have studied the inscription and believe that it is an authentic early Aboriginal work.

"Based on our knowledge of early Aboriginal peoples of this area and the information contained within the inscription itself, we believe that it was carved by a young brave who stopped here for a quick number two on his way to a buffalo hunt," concluded Dr. Charles Adler.

"After careful examination of the tool marks, I'd say that the inscription was carved using a sharpened steel tool," concluded anthropology expert Gord Leclerc. "From the angle and depth of the cuts, and I'd say they were made using a Victorinox brand Swiss Army knife. I'm not really sure where an early Ojibway may have come upon such an object, but my assumption is that it was probably traded by a Swiss explorer in exchange for a traditional Aboriginal hunting weapon, like a Uplander double-barrel shotgun. Either that, or maybe the brave just picked it up at an one of those ubiquitous outdoor supply stores."

Following a careful analysis of the inscription itself, the area surrounding the bathroom stall was cordoned off, and an extensive search for further evidence was conducted.

"We completed a thorough search for traces of the person who carved the inscription, but unfortunately time has stolen them away," said graduate student Gary Doer. "I was really hoping that we could find some traditional Aboriginal artifacts, like some Irish Setter hunting boots or a PSE Firestorm compound bow."

If the inscription does prove to be authentic, it would be the first piece of tangible evidence documenting the practice of birth control amongst the early Aboriginal people of North America.

"This is a truly exciting development in the field of Native Studies," added Adler. "I am definitely shocked to find hard evidence that the early Ojibway used Swiss Army knives, and not the vastly superior Grohmann brand of products."

The bathroom stall is set to undergo carbon dating in order to determine the exact age of the inscription, which the experts believe to be hundreds of years old, as it describes the 'days of old'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more