Historians trace Santa to exiled Finnish child molester poet

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Tuesday, 18 December 2007


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Santa linked to 17th century Finnish child molester poet

Historians at Harvard University said today that they have discovered a link between the modern day Santa Clause, the Dutch Sinter Klaas and exiled child molester and 17th century Finnish poet, Lisko Alapartanen, roughly translated, "Mr. lower beard's lizard."

Historian Dr. Bob Nolan said that he and his team of researchers had been working on a project to trace the root of Santa Clause for about a year before the discovery was accidentally made.

"We found the records of a Finnish poet who had been exiled to the North Pole for child molesting," Nolan said. "At some point during his exile, there was a conversion."

"Obviously, we did not have the help of sex registries since lists of registered Finnish sex offenders do not go back to the 17th century."

Spokesperson for the Finnish sex offender registry, Auvo Haukipää, (Mr. Blissful Pikehead) confirmed this assertion.

Nolan said that originally the team had been investigating the Roman Catholic Church's "miracle worker," St. Nicholas who later became known as the patron saint of children and oral sex when the connection to "Mr. Lower Beard" was discovered.

It was reported that the Finnish poet, "Mr. Lizard" liked to lure children into his family jacuzzi with Finnish chocolate and molest them. According to sources, the clever poet would tell the children that there were fish swimming around below the surface in the murky water and every time they felt something funny touch them it was one of the fish.

Researchers say that conclusive evidence linking "Mr. Lizard" to child molestation activities was found in the following limerick written by the poet:

There once was an old poet in Finland
Who had a pet lizard in Lapland
He used to let it run loose
Chase children and goose
But it couldn't out run the pack man.

No elves at the North Pole have every complained of abusive treatment by their boss.

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