After more than forty long years of standing guard at dusty border crossings, hundreds of millions of cocaine-blood-stained dollars, and the brutal deaths of at least nineteen South American drug Lords and their bodyguards and lawyers -- the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency officially declared Monday that The War on Drugs has finally ended in complete and total victory.
"We believe we got it all," said DEA second-in-command General Rollo L. Boyler.
"It's possible there are a few rouge cells that may be still be operating within the U. S," said Gen. Boyler, "but from our intelligence and the folks on the ground we don't have any indication to believe they have more than a joint or two among them, and we feel it's only a matter of time before these insurgents are all rounded up and executed or deported -- or both."
Boyler said U.S. Cuban bases will once again act as detaining points for prisoners, Fidel Castro and soldiers and other government officials caught up in the world War on Drugs which was originally declared by Nancy Reagan and her second husband, President Ronald Reagan following a bad experience with Ecstasy.
When the former President -- who suffers from Old Age and Battiness as a result of the drug-overdose -- was notified over the weekend of the war's end he reportedly told aides, "They just winged me momma."
According to U. S. Army officials, the world's supply of Heroin, Cocaine, Morphine, Speed, Pot, Mary-Jane, Tylenol, Canadian Club, Poppies and Sen-Sen has been effectively removed from the world's black market thanks to the four-decade battle that literally took to the streets and shores of America to hunt down notorious rap-stars, traffickers, Judges, and "go-fast" boat-makers.
"We knew they couldn't sustain the intensity of our attacks," said Army spokesman Col. William Aranov -- "we simply outspent them at every street corner, it was traditional U.S. tactics and green-backed-cash that brought us this victory today," he said.
Also caught up in the world sweep for illicit drugs were at least nine-hundred U.S. born six wheel dump-truck drivers, most of whom were operating small drug dispersement cells from Truck Stops and interstate cloverleafs located along the nation's highways.
Aranov said the arrested drivers will not face Army tribunals for their role in the conflict but that they would be required to perform community service, have their tattoos removed and teach Driver's Education while they work with the young people in local schools to set a better example for their futures.
"Let's face it, this whole thing was about the children," said Army Col. Aranov.
"Sure the U.S. at one point deployed more than 500,000 boarder-patrol troops; in excess of 7,500 air-conditioned personal pursuit vehicles; more helicopters than Francs Ford Coppola needed to tell the 'Nam; and every techno electronic listening device known to man -- or at least ever heard about -- we did this for the kids."
The cost to eradicate? "Who could set a budget for a war? We did it with stings, snitches, and the slops on the street who were buying the poison and the rolling papers," Aranov said.
"We went after the little guy, we overspent billions but we knocked him off one by one. "