Police Launch New Drugs Policy

Funny story written by Phantom Guitarist

Thursday, 25 September 2003

image for Police Launch New Drugs Policy
Drugs, yesterday.

The Metropolitan Police announced yesterday that they were set to launch a radical new drugs policy aimed at driving out dealers and reducing organised crime. The as yet untitled policy has been given the working name 'Operation Needle City'. A pilot project will be set up sometime in October, during which time all residents of Greater London will be sent a free syringe and needle every day and also a free bag of heroin, via Royal Mail.

A police spokesman told TheSpoof, "We realise that this policy will be viewed as madness by many members of public. What we aim to do is effectively decriminalise heroin by making it widely available throughout the country. Why would a user visit a criminal dealer when he can just nip next door and use their free bag?"

One angry member of public slammed the Met's new policy: "I think this new scheme is absolutely appalling! The police have gone one step too far this time. A child could open these packages and use the drug. I think it's disgusting!"

One drug user praised the new scheme, saying "I have been using heroin for 2 years now, and in all that time it's become harder and harder to find stuff because the police keep arresting the dealers. This new scheme will flood the market and will be a delight to all users."

Another police spokesman added, "We understand the concerns of the public, all heroin will be delivered in child proof containers, just like any other medicine. Basically all we have done is accepted that heroin is just like any of the legal drugs. What we are aiming at is to treat the public like adults and let them decide for themselves whether or not to take any specific drug."

Both police spokesmen refused to comment on speculation that similar initiatives were to be launched in the coming months with titles such as 'Operation Hash Cafes', 'Sniff for Speed', and 'Coke or Cola'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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