Written by Johnny Moodis

Wednesday, 12 November 2003

image for Richie Rich Caught on Gay Party Tape
Richie Rich steals money out of his father's wallet to buy heroin.

The aristocratic community was stunned today when a video tape surfaced depicting "poor little rich boy" Richie Rich using drugs heavily and engaging in homosexual acts.

"This makes that Paris Hilton tape look like an episode of Sesame Street," said Stephanie Crespo, a columnist at Gossip Weekly, "I had no idea Richie was into this kind of stuff. I mean I knew he was in the closet, but I had no idea he was such a drug fiend."

Among the images on the tape were Rich snorting cocaine off of male genitalia, injecting heroin into his own genitalia, and various acts too disturbing to mention here.

"This is the reason I broke up with Richie," said Gloria Glad, Rich's childhood girlfriend, "I knew I was just a beard for him, and our relationship was a farce, and I was OK with that, but our friendship really suffered because of the drugs. One day I told him, 'Choose me or the drugs', and he responded by punching me directly in the face and releasing his guard dogs on me. So that was that."

When asked why she didn't come forth with this information further, Glad claims that Rich threatened her life.

"He said he would kill me if I ever told, and I believed him," said Glad, "He said he was rich enough so that he could make me disappear forever, like he did to his mean cousin Reggie."

Rich's father Richard Rich, has yet to see the tape, but has publicly stated that he will not disown his son.

"Richie has been going through a very tough time, what with the tragic murder of his beloved dog Dollar," said Mr. Rich, "I promise we'll get him all the treatment he needs. It's not like I can't afford it, I wrote this speech on a sheet of platinum with a pen made of liquid gold."

Professor Keenbean, head of Rich Laboratories, claims that Richie constantly pressured him to develop new drugs.

"He wanted to get as high as possible without any negative side-effects," said Keenbean, "I was reluctant to do it, but he threatened to blackmail me with some incriminating photographs of me with Irona, the robot maid."

These revelations can't help but tarnish the image of the Rich family. After the news first broke early this morning, stock in Rich Enterprises was down 34 percent.

"I'm confident that we'll bounce back from this rough time," said Mr. Rich, "We got through the scandal of Cadbury's pedophilic murder spree, and we'll get through this."

Richie Rich is currently in Rich Rehabilitation Center and could not be reached for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Drugs, rich

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