Fortune Teller Was Talking Shit

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 11 May 2020

image for Fortune Teller Was Talking Shit
Grease my palm, and I'll talk some bollox

A man whose wife took him along with her when she went to see a local fortune teller, has told of how the latter totally conned his wife into believing all kinds of bullshit, based on 'evidence' unearthed by several severely questionable means.

Moys Kenwood, 56, who caught an insect in his bathroom the other week, which resulted in a trip to the 'Boran'* found another one on Sunday night, and knew what was in store.

On Monday morning, therefore, he was dragged to the soothsayer's house by his gullible other half, and sat on bare floorboards as simple playing cards were shuffled and spread out in front of him. Having been asked to choose one, he did, hoping he was to witness a magic trick. The only magic he was to witness, however, was the ease with which the 'magician' was able to extract cash from Mrs. Kenwood's purse.

The Boran rolled her eyelids; there was a pause; words were uttered. Mrs. Kenwood looked anxious; Mr. Kenwood stifled a giggle.

It was pronounced that, in keeping with what will probably happen all over the world, Mr. Kenwood would probably get to go back to work next month, after the lockdown was eased.

Next, Mrs. Kenwood told her husband she'd "just be a minute", and rushed out. A minute later, she reappeared with a bowl of dry rice and some candles. More trickery was performed by the Boran, who traced imaginary letters and shapes in the rice with the candles, accompanied by more eyelid-rolling. Some incoherent mumbling took place.

The upshot of this charade was that some female in the locality was jealous of Mrs. Kenwood, but there was nothing to 'worry about'.

Finally, Mr. Kenwood was asked for the year of his birth, and, when he replied "1963", some calculation was done, to turn this number into magic nonsense. There then came a proclamation that, in August, he would come into some money.

"I'd settle for the money we just chucked away on this silly old bag!", he laughed, as his wife bundled him out of the doorway.


* A person who deals in superstitious nonsense as if it were real.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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