Being enraged over global warming, deforestation, over-fishing, over-hunting and Comcast’s lousy customer service, the earth has decided to go on an eating spree to deal with its stress.
The earth has always been fat - there is no denying that - but, because of body positivity, there is no longer a stigma attached to it. In an interview with MUD Magazine (Murderous Unadulterated Dementeds) the earth lamented that his head was too hot for him to make any rational decisions.
“I can’t take it anymore," cried out Bob, which is the earth’s proper name. “Honestly, with all these glaciers melting, I now have water in my ears. I’m going bald because of all the forest fires. I am so stressed, that all I do is eat all of the time. My waist has grown to the size of Neptune. But it’s okay nowadays fat is cool, although it is hard to be cool when you are hot as hell."
“When I eat, I just open up a sinkhole, and swallow what is given to me. Like a grab bag, if you know what I mean. Buses are good, they have lot of fart-squaring mother dingbats that spew greenhouse gases. Individuals are good because I don’t get much metal in my crust. It is tough to floss out my crust. It takes three miles of timber just to do one tooth. Honestly, why eat a Wendy’s triple cheeseburger when you can eat an entire Wendy’s?"
“I need a vacation. I’m going to head out to Pluto and just cool off a bit. I hear Pluto is good this time of year. The ice fishing is just fabulous, as well as the skiing and polar bear swimming. I’ve always wanted to join one of those polar bear clubs where they dive into the ice water in their skivvies. I was just always too fat to fit in the ice hole.”
As of press time, a giant sinkhole opened up underneath New York City swallowing the entire city and nobody even noticed.