Wisconsin. Finding himself appalled, intimidated, and "somewhat dismayed" by the conversations he heard on his first week as a maintenance mechanic at Universal Decking & Furniture Products, Inc., 47-year-old Biff Spud told reporters last Tuesday that the horrible words he heard in the smoking area at the front of the building left him feeling 'speechless.'
Highly offended and "feeling useless" against the onslaught of vile aggression that was hanging in the air while Jane Clemens, 52, and Sarah Harper, 60, kept talking about drinking, hunting, fishing, fucking, watching sports, and bar-fighting, Mr. Spud lamented the "more innocent" days when he was working as an auto-mechanic in the inner-city streets of Detroit, Michigan.
Wanting nothing more than to work on extruder lines, mills, dryer tanks, and pellet coolers for 13 dollars-an-hour, while living in an apartment the size of a soiled bathroom in southeast Asia, the 'existentially-nervous' and 'highly-saddened' Biff felt that he was "out of his element" when he heard the older women passionately talk about the days when they used to 'beat the shit' out of people and 'screw everything in sight.'
According to sources, the highly sensitive individual painfully acknowledged that life is "a lonely progression through turmoil and exhaustion in which 'true love' is unlikely, due to the fact that it's impossible to really know the depths of another person", before sobbing endlessly as lead administrator, Jill Becker, climbed on top of a random forklift driver and gouged out his left eyeball with a wire that she had ripped off of her 'spiral' notebook.
"It pains me to see that violence, force, and aggression remain the only way to express oneself in this deeply-conflicted world," Spud humbly confessed, as Jane Clemens put out her cigarette and proceeded to disembowel a 'production entry assistant' who wasn't entering corporate data fast enough, before bathing in the blood that was spewing out of his body, while her criminal boyfriend 'knocked off' her husband so they could run away with his insurance money.