Dead Duck Gate heating up as witness ducks found near the bench in Salisbury Park

Written by joseph k winter

Monday, 22 April 2019

image for Dead Duck Gate heating up as witness ducks found near the bench in Salisbury Park
Salisbury Park ducks have started to come forward

Straight from British Intelligence sources, we now know there are (at least) two ducks willing to testify on what happened in March 2018 near a certain park bench.

Boys were playing, and a couple (a father and daughter named Skripal) offered them bread to feed the ducks. One boy sampled the bread himself.

This bread was heavily contaminated with the Novochok poison that kills in seconds, and had been planted on the Skripal doorknob.

The couple had in fact left their doorknob some fifteen minutes previous, fully contaminated and within seconds of expiring.

This contaminant--this was asserted almost immediately--certainly came from Russian agents.

After stopping by the park, Sergei and Yulia Skripal continued (as we say, heavily contaminated) to a restaurant named Zizzis, where they had a meal with wine.

The table they brushed against has now been asphyxiated. It was not manufactured in Russia and has been cleared of any complicity.

The dead children and ducks did not die, although the shocking state of their demise had been reported by The New York Times and CIA Director Gina Haspel.

How could children and ducks, innocently tucking in to the bread, survive--with all this Novochok poison going around as the Skripals made way through the populace?

Imagery of their demised state, however, had been solemnly passed to Mr. Trump, who was then asked to expel 60 Russian diplomats as punishment.

This was Ms. Haspel’s “strong option” (as she flourished the photos, while looking directly into the President’s eyes, with that female tendency to insinuate, simply by the gaze, “Are you man enough?”)

Mr. Trump paused at his cheeseburger.

The hostility temperature with Russia rose several degrees.

The New York Times also disclosed that later, when Mr. Trump found out other countries had expunged only 3 or 4 diplomats, not dozens, his rage shifted The White House at its northeast corner.

Surviving ducks have now weighed in on this matter:

Duck 1: Look, this whole Duck Gate thing is a dead duck, if you’ll forgive me. We were never threatened but we ducks are not happy about it! We now look askance at every piece of bread, every morsel offered to us! We do not sleep well. It is not a happy situation.

Duck 2: My companion is only too kind. We ducks have frankly begun to wonder at the quality of the human animal’s mind. Notice that we in duck-land do not go to war, do not regime change, and do not have options on the table. Need I say more?

Ms. Haspel and The New York Times have declined to comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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