Judas Bitchop, who this week resigned as Australia's foreign minister, in a mega dummy spit when she failed to win support to become Australia's 30th prime minister this year, is to pursue a career as a Sumo butt thong technician.
Announcing her plans to the press corp at the Canberra nuclear testing range next to Parliament House, Bitchop explained, "Ever since I tasted dolphin sushi as a child, I've always been attracted to the Japanese culture. I've travelled extensively in Japan with my partner David Evybreathin, all expenses paid by the Aussie taxpayers. David's experience as a pharmacist has proven invaluable for Australian diplomacy all over the world. Plus I got a good shag no matter where in the world I travelled, and it was all free, providing I pretended to be attending at least one official function per trip. We still have fond memories of attending the Hiroshima International Outdoor Barbecue Convention in 2016."
Bitchop went on to explain further, "David and I have fallen in love with Sumo wrestling. Now that all my Liberal For Rich Fuckers party colleagues have basically ruined my chances of becoming the first Aussie Liberal woman Prime Minister, it's time to pursue new avenues, in particular Sumo butt cracks. I may never be PM but I can make it as a butt thong technician, exploiting my experience of working with so many arseholes in Australian politics for so many years."
Asked to explain what a but thong technician does, Bitchop said " The Sumo wrestlers' butt thongs, known as a keshō-mawashi, have some very large cracks to cover and they invariably get dislodged or stuck deep in the butt crack. A butt hole technician's job is to ensure that at all times during a wrestling bout, the thong remain symmetrically positioned over the butt crack, and facing east".
"I am so excited at the prospect of working with so many butt cracks, even though it can be heavy work and the threat of being trampled to death is ever present, it beats being around Aussie politicians hands down. There is nothing more noble than a classically-positioned Sumo butt thong, and no butt thong has ever stabbed anyone in the back."
Bitchop and Evybreathin plan to make Tokyo their home and are expected to leave Australia this month.