Tanks surround Parliament House in Canberra tonight after a bloody coup d'etat which saw hapless ex-President Tony Abcess dragged from the Chamber and summarily shot outside the fish and chip shop in the main street of the capital. He died with a deep fried Chiko roll in his mouth.
Malcolm Bullshite declared himself Australian President for Life or until he is deposed, whichever comes sooner, which in Australia averages 2 years. Standing alongside Bullshite when he announced his presidency was Deputy President Julie Fishhook. Bullshite fielded short questions from the Australian Paparazzi gutter press, answering with hour-long tirades which Fishhook then summarised in 2 short sentences. Fishhook also took the opportunity to thank her "life long friend" she met 3 years ago "for having the faith to re-elect me Deputy President". Not that there were many choices.
Bullshite thanked the late Tony Abcess for his services. "Tony was a man who ran a lot. Unfortunately for him, tonight he couldn't run fast enough, certainly not as fast as the bullet that blew his teeth out. Tony leaves behind a memorable legacy - a knighthood for Prince Phillip, a lot of unmarried gay Aussies, a plan to increase the number of coal-fired power stations, and a very wealthy ex-Speaker of the parliament. Not to mention a number of would-be boat migrants who were lucky enough to be re-settled in Cambodia. Australia is poorer without him… and has been with him".
Smiling at all times, and talking without moving his lips as every well-trained lawyer does, Bullshite refused to answer questions about his policies, admitting he hasn't got any yet, but committed to think of some soon. Fishook showed her support by smiling knowingly and nodding every three seconds for the whole four hour press conference. Observers of the coup expect several more long-winded, finger pointing speeches by Bullshite as he introduces marshall law by the end of the week.