Valerie Thighborg claims Julian Assange has disappeared from the embassy

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Friday, 9 February 2018

image for Valerie Thighborg claims Julian Assange has disappeared from the embassy
Miss Thighborg says her discovery occurred almost immediately

Last night former assistant prosecutor from Sweden, Ms. Valerie Thighborg, arrived in London to once again visit with Mr. Assange.

This week Judge Arbuthnot ruled Mr. Assange’s legal situation must remain unchanged.

No longer with the prosecutor's office, Ms. Thighborg wants to advise Mr. Assange on possible further legal steps.

Immediately, uproar has swept the globe. She claims Mr. Assange has vanished.

“If anyone knows Choolian, I do,” she stated to British authorities rushing to interview her.

This assessment is conflicted by what appears to be the continuing presence of Mr. Assange at the embassy.

Ms. Thighborg explained further:

“Replaced with bot. I admeet he looks same. More pale. But I can feel the battrees. You know, double A? These bots do double A, maybe 8. He ees set on low right now."

Stunned, British police pressed further after the notorious secrets-spiller.

“Ms. Thighborg, this is a fantastic idea! Who is going to believe it? You mean he has escaped from the embassy? That man in there who says he’s Julian Assange is a robot?”

“Yes, yes. Gone. He got out you know by packaging, I theenk.”


“The bot keet packaging! He got inside it. It went out disposal. He got out in the how you say . . . ahh ahh . . . garbage trock!"

“But this is not physically possible!”

“Practicing. Last time my vizeet I bring beeg suitcase as choke. You know? Funny game. Not serious. He got inside and very very very narrow. Thin. You know. Toes up, ankle up, knees up to chin.”

“But who would do this? Who would give him this bot?”

“Well, you know, they say them Rossians now doing everythink, running the world.”

“But credibility! Will The New York Times, CNN, believe this?”

“Well, bots, you know. Very very very conveencing like real people. People today in love with bot! You know? Man don’t like woman. Get bot in short skirt!"

“But how--this is a very important question, Ms. Thighborg. How do you know this person is a bot, and not Mr. Assange? What proof? Very important.”

“Of course! Of course! You theenk I am not familiar with Mr. Assangee body? We prosecutors do search in investigation, you see. Substance possibility. No? My office beezness. Okay. I tell you this bot has battrees, double A’s. Eight double A.”

“You mean you saw these batteries? You saw the mechanics of this bot, the computer inside it, and so forth? Anything else?"

“Well, you know, weeth interrogation, we sleep together. Undercover work, right? So I can tell you his ah . . . you know ah . . . his . . . well I don’t need to go on into it!”


“Never that strong previously.”

Judge Arbuthnot’s office indicates the Assange Case may be reopened as to the legal standing of a robot in the embassy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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