F.B.I. Headquarters - Children around the Earth will be disappointed to learn that Santa has converted to Islam and will not be visiting this year. In fact he is being held by the F.B.I., according to our source, agent Smith, on complaints of animal cruelty.
Santa caught Rudolf trying to mount another of his male reindeer, Blixen; so Santa blindfolded Rudolf and threw him off the Empire State Building.
In addition, Santa was caught copulating with a female reindeer, Trixy. Also it was found that he had forced all the female reindeer into genital mutilation.
Twenty-five empty cans of Diet Coke were found in the back of the sleigh, leading authorities to speculate Santa plied the animals with methanol.