Washington, DC… The science of robotics is about to plow headfirst into the art of the deal. President Donald Trump has banned the use and ownership of robots in America, calling them "over efficient job bandits."
In an Executive Order titled "Death to Devious Devices," Trump pointed out that he had no idea that advanced automation has become the most significant cause for massive job losses in America and around the world.
"I thought it was the Mexicans," Trump said during the news conference in which he declared America's war on automation. "I guess I owe them an apology. That was a joke folks. Trump means never having to say you're sorry.
"You know one of them recently won on Jeopardy. I'm talking mechanical man, not Mexican here. Even grasped the concept of putting his answer in the form of a question. That's good thinking."
Re-establishing his focus, the president said that American businesses have until the end of the year to replace whatever robots or robotic systems are operating in their plants and offices with real "not fake" human labor.
"You asked for jobs. This will free up millions of jobs. More jobs and great jobs, better than good jobs. I promised great, and I'll deliver great. I'm the Tony the Tiger of politics. l even got the orange mane. Any questions?"
Trump had once again left the media speechless with another untenable, fantastic plan. "First one out of his coma gets the scoop," Trump said. "I know you're going to say that these factories can't survive without automation. But I've got news for you."
The president then went into a new sales pitch which stressed themes like American craftsmanship, the work ethic, and "good old US ingenuity and innovation."
"Robots can't compete against all that," the president declared. "And you fatty's out there can afford to work off a few pounds. You're not gonna have robots around to do the heavy lifting. Come to think of it, this may even solve our health crisis."
Asked if a laptop computer would be considered to be an enemy operative in his robotic war, the commander-in-chief replied: "If the people who use laptops are the enemy, I'll let you draw your own conclusions about their equipment. In the meantime, death to drones, an end to ATMs, and rest in pieces, Robbie the Robot.
"Meanwhile, if you see something, say something. Just don't say it into your smart phone, because we're taking them away too."