Washington DC - Republicans are distancing themselves once again from their own nominee for President Donald Trump, this time over comments Trump made in 2005 that were caught on tape. On the tape, Trump is heard talking about how his "fame" lets him "do anything" he wants with women. He mentions grabbing them by their genitalia.
"Lewd and disgusting," said House Speaker Paul Ryan. "Women are to be revered and honored, not spoken of like sex objects."
Almost everyone disagrees.
"Women exist to be plowed by men until they can't take anymore stimulation on the nerve endings of their rigid wangs and go KA-BLOOEY deep inside the ho's love snatch," says Sociobiologist Jennifer Wantsome of Princeton.
Wantsome went on to explain that Ryan's comments were "bullshit," and she is positive that if Ryan doesn't privately vocalize his own "sick desires to bury his head between his interns' booming tits as they stroke his rod to diamond-cutting hardness" then he probably acts on those ideas with escorts and call girls of all types.
The Clinton campaign was quick to pounce on Trump's comments.
"Donald Trump's comments about women were demeaning," said vice Presidential nominee Tim Kaine.
Asked by a reporter from Fox News about how Trump's comments compare to what Bill Clinton actually did to women, Kaine said,
"While I do not endorse Bill Clinton being blown on the Oval Office Rug and worse, going spooey all over a portrait of first lady Dolly Madison, Bill Clinton's conduct is child's play compared to what Donald Trump said," Kaine told reporters.
Kaine went on to explain that civilization is built on hypocrisy, and that it is important that people be judged on what they say, not what they do.
"Judging people on what they do would mean that the moral values we daily preach in order to attack others would be in danger of actually being upheld, and no one goes into politics for that!" he said.
Kaine went on to say most acts are permissible, it's just important that the words you use about them cover up how unseemly those acts are. On Bill Cinton's many blow jobs, Kaine said,
"We have no knowledge of Bill Clinton ever using anything but the most respectful language towards Monica Lewinsky - both during and after the many times she blew him in the oval office. Also, he supports abortion on demand, so no feminist gives a shit about what "Squirtman" did in the Oval Office or what he's most likely doing to some hapless Latin Hooker in a limo as I speak."
Kaine went on to say that before blasting his wad somewhere into the jungle of Monica Lewinsky's considerable thatch of hair, President Clinton would always do so apologetically.
"My understanding is he said things like, 'I apologize most profusely to the lady for the stream of seminal fluid now surging past the taut veins of my most rigid manhood, but I am afraid that its landing upon thy new hairdo is all but certain. I beseech thine forgiveness also should an errant drop land upon thine new dress and do hereby offer thee this brillo pad with which to scrub it out upon discovering the vile, crustaceous splatter all over your lapel during your cab ride home, for which, I am afraid, you will have to be pay the fare."
Kaine went on to say that he's "pounded his share of T and A" and that women are drawn to money and power like "flies to shit."
Kaine said Bill Clinton was not drawn to Hillary for her "sucking skills" but instead saw her as a useful tool through which he could gain power, and with it, the "bonanza" of sexual favors from all manner of young women who "being innately amoral, would schlarf possum cock for a dollar" if they thought it would make them appear superior to other woman in the eyes of society at large.
"Pedestal my ass," Kaine said, in response to Paul Ryan. "Women are 'ho's. Period, end of story."