Trump Self Deports Jesus

Written by XRhonda Speaks

Saturday, 20 August 2016

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Donald Trump "self deported" Jesus Chavez to Mexico even though Chavez is a US citizen.

Completely misunderstanding Mitt Romney's concept of self deportation, Donald Trump took it upon himself to deport a man to his home country. Now Donald Trump and his staff are facing kidnapping and terrorism charges after forcing Jesus Chavez, a US citizen for ten years, to return to Mexico.

Before the FBI got involved in the case, Trump's campaign manager Scott Baio called the relocation of Jesus Chavez a test case for what could become a new wave of citizens taking the initiative to self deport illegal immigrants.

"My boss and our staff did a great job today in identifying and deporting a Mexican who was taking a job from a good and decent real American. Mitt Romney dreamed of self deportation but Donald Trump has performed the first citizen initiated deportation, and we think this is a model other Americans will follow."

Ivanka Trump later issued a clarification describing the incident as a helping hand.

"My father was just helping this man visit his home country for the first time in many years. Any characterization of this as a "self" or "citizen" deportation is factually and legally incorrect. My father sent his jet to return Jesus Chavez to the United States where he has been a citizen and a business owner for over ten years."

Chavez tells a much different story and the FBI investigation into the matter will likely result in charges against Trump and his campaign.

Jesus Chavez spoke to this reporter by phone from his home in Amarillo, Texas.

"About twenty minutes after the Trump caravan refueled at my convenience store this lowrider limo came up and I thought they needed some help, directions or something you know, no one was coming out. When I stepped out to the Limo two guys jumped out and grabbed me and said they were sending me home, but I told them I live here now with my wife and children. They kept yelling "anchor babies" at me, I never heard this expression before, you know, I thought they were threatening to drown my children so I did what they told me and I hid under the bar when they drove into Mexico."

Chavez told his abductors that he was from Mexico City because he has friends in the police there and thought it was the best way to try and turn the tables on his kidnappers. After Jesus Chavez was dropped off blindfolded in a Tijuana laundromat, it didn't take long for cops on both sides of the border to connect the lowrider limousine to Donald Trump's presidential campaign.

Once the story hit the media it became a diplomatic hot potato for the US and the Trump campaign. Trump's people have been furiously courting Jesus Chavez ever since the incident, even flying him back home in Donald Trump's personal jet and paying for the vandalism to his store when it was left unmanned and unlocked.

"He, [Donald Trump] is paying for everything now," Chavez said, "and we're making a deal where I won't sue him. One thing I won't let him pay for is to shut me up: I told him if I don't sue I won't be quiet too, people have to know what his crazy ideas and talk will lead to."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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