London - The Queen is totally freaked out about this Saturday's Trooping the Colour which occurs on the exact 34th anniversary of someone firing six blank shots at her while astride sidesaddle on royal steed Burn Knees. Uh, Burmese.
19 year-old Marcus Sarjeant said he did it for a bit of a lark and maybe a Polaroid pic or two of HM arse over tit falling off her ceremonial stallion during the annual Whorseguards Parade jolly.
Sarjeant was subsequently jailed for 100 years under the 1842 Treasonous Bastards Act narrowly avoiding customary beheading for heinously firing blanks all over Her Majesty's person.
And staining the royal underwear.
This Saturday's ceremony will be broadcast live to HMP Belmarsh where Sarjeant still languishes under royal displeasure.
A limited edition print of 'HM's stained knickers' signed by the jailbird is available for five hundred squid.
