US officials will demonstrate advanced interrogation techniques "not all that bad"

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Thursday, 11 December 2014


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Announced today, Mr. Obama and Mr. Brennan (head of the CIA) will participate in experiments to show Senator Diane Feinstein's objections are "over-amped."

Spokespersons maintain US advanced interrogation techniques are "not all that bad" and may not qualify as "torture."

Also considered will be whether force feeding at Guantanamo (which is ongoing) belongs in the torture category.

In the experiment with Mr. Brennan, he will lie face down, head lowered toward the floor, so that the buttocks are raised while a rectal feeding device is entered into the cavity.

This procedure will continue for some weeks so Mr. Brennan's assistants will temporarily assume his duties at the CIA.

The information sought from Mr. Brennan in this exercise will be what has been redacted and generally kept secret from the current 6,000 page report.

The report was generated from various branches of the US government and took 40 million dollars to produce.

Whatever he reveals will be kept top secret until further notice, with the principle under review whether advanced interrogation techniques (aka torture by some people) produce "viable information" and "are efficacious."

Next, on the experiment with Mr. Obama, whether force feeding is brutal or an act of compassion has been the subject of ongoing study and debate, with no clear resolution on the matter at this time.

Mr. Obama will undergo force feeding via tubes up the nostrils for at least the next two weeks to review whether this tool causes undue discomfort as to be categorized "torture."

The force feeding issue particularly applies to a Guantanamo prisoner cleared of wrongdoing five years ago who has not been released, and who began a hunger strike in protest.

In several cases of force feeding, olive oil was previously used to ease passage of the tubes into the nostrils.

However, this was discovered to generate lipoid pneumonia, and had to be discontinued.

Of course in both experiments Mr. Obama and Mr. Brennan have only "classified information" to hide since they are not enemies of the United States government in its current form.

Still, their experience will be a vital mark on the path of whether "torture" constitutes a medieval and barbaric practice modern society had supposedly moved beyond.

Also under consideration by Mr. Brennan and Mr. Obama is whether to experience hypo-thermal conditions as with being locked nude in a cell with iron bars and cold temperatures for several days at a time.

Broom stick applications to various orifices have, however, been ruled out at this time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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