Good, bad, and ugly elections via White House suds 'n duds laundry operations

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Saturday, 7 June 2014

image for Good, bad, and ugly elections via White House suds 'n duds laundry operations
Election issues are hung out to dry via the White House suds 'n duds machine

Rumor has it that departed White House Press Secretary Jay Carney once compared the job now occupied by Josh Earnest to running a laundromat.

Top quality detergent is essential to getting response to issues correct and clean.

Recently a good election in Ukraine roused pleasant detergent odors since Petro Poroshenko turned out the winner.

This outcome favored State Department and NATO interests, despite Mr. Poroshenko's position as chocolate king oligarch in a land previously subject to corrupt oligarchs.

That millions in East Ukraine either could not or did not vote due to conditions resembling civil war was no impediment to the spinning White House tubs. Democracy had prevailed.

But a bad election had taken place in Crimea because a minority opposed annexation to Russia and did not win the referendum.

White House washing machines clicked and spun vigorously utilizing terms such as "aggression" and "seized."

Scrubbed clean was that Russia all along had 16,000 troops permanently stationed in Crimea, and the referendum was initiated by the residents.

They voted with a strong plurality to join Russia, their former homeland.

Although this action displeased Ukraine and the US it did not break international law, despite a large, foaming supply of detergent used by Washington on that one.

Another bad election led to mopping up and down White House wash 'n dry aisles in the results of Syria's election favoring Assad.

Polls in the past two years have consistently shown citizen support for Assad, preferring even him over sharia law or the chaos of another Libya, so the election was no surprise to Syrians.

But the Washington laundry system steamed and clanked noisily over this outrage since this election failed to represent the militants in the extremist opposition--including "moderate jihadis" favored by the State Department.

Fortunately, a huge success sweetened suds 'n duds airs with what happened in Egypt's recent election, as a special bleach was brought on against some ugly stains.

Mr. al-Sisi was declared winner "by a landslide" although disappointed the turnout was less than it had been for Mr. Morsi two years earlier.

In fact the turnout had trended so low that voting in Egypt was extended by not one but two days, and transportation arranged, accompanied with threats of fines if voters declined the opportunity to go to the polls.

This intimidation tactic to get voters out to the polls was compared by human rights organizations to forcing out a 99% result in a place like North Korea, where "duty" requires allegiance to a dear leader.

White House suds 'n duds operations ratcheted up to even more noisy whirling and thumping machinery under these developments in Egypt.

Then Mr. Obama congratulated Mr. al-Sisi on "transition to democracy" and looking forward to working together on "many shared interests."

A spokesperson for new White House Secretary Josh Earnest vigorously assures that the White House suds 'n duds system will be open and humming 24/7 on his watch.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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