Politics is going online

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 22 May 2014


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You will be able to vote from anywhere

In the most radical shake-up of British Politics since the Whigs and Tories merged to form the Tories, a solution has been found to the age old problem of the electorate not being engaged with the running of the country.

The way politics works in the UK is that lots of so called 'wards' vote for one person to represent them. The people are the faces of a 'party', and the 'party' with the most number of 'wards' is considered 'in charge' - although, with each 'ward' voting how it likes on any one 'policy' this means that it doesn't matter who is 'in charge' any more.

"What we're planning on doing," said Russell Brand, who has set up his own party called "Party-7 lets get pissed", "is saying fuck all that. If the only thing the politicians do is get elected and put forward policies, we don't actually need them."

Brand's revolutionary new idea is to use the internet to run the country.

"The X-Factor's Got Talent on Ice seems pretty popular these days, don't it?" Brand said. "That seems to get people voting. We should do it like that, shouldn't we?"

Brand proposes that he is allowed to set up a website with an associated app for those on the move, where anybody can put forward a suggestion for a policy, and people vote on it, if more than 50% of the voting population agree with the suggestion, it gets enacted.

"It's like Trip Advisor for policies," said Brand. "We've still got stuff to figure out, like. Stuff like funding and boring stuff like that. You know, if loads of people vote on giving everybody over the age of twenty-five a million quid, that's not going to work, is it? It's got to be sensible like."

This is where the current load of civil servants come in.

"They like look at all the policies and stuff and see how they could be funded, and put it on the proposed policy, so people know if they vote for solar powered roads we have to scrap school meals, like."

Brand recognises that Britain would still need a Prime Minister.

"For all those foreign holidays and what not," said Brand. "You know, talking to Obama or Putin or whoever. You need somebody charismatic like, for that job."

A Dancing On Ice style voting system will be used to determine who will be Prime Minister. For two months each year, a competition will be held with Dancing on Ice style voting.

Brand explained: "It'll be like 'press 01 for Milliband, 02 for Clegg, 03 for Cameron, 04 for Farage or 99 for a chocolate flake in your ice-cream. But it don't really matter who they are, cos all they're doing like is telling other countries what we're doing."

Jeremey Paxman, on hearing of Brand's new scheme, proposed to Brand immediately.

David Cameron on the other hand spotted a flaw. "What about all the stuff we do, that's boring? Like trade negotiations. You can't do that on the internet."

Brand was unrepentant. "Look Dave, chill your bones, man. That's fine detail. We can have a vote on how we handle that after, you hear?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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