Washington D.C. - The United States' National Aeronautics and Space Administration, NASA, has retracted the warning it issued yesterday regarding a huge asteroid's imminent impact with Earth, which would have led to cataclysmic devastation of the entire planet.
"We were, um, wrong, yeah, that's it," said NASA's Deputy Technology Director Alfred Pennyworth. "There is definitely not a gigantic asteroid headed towards Earth with a 99.734% chance of impact. That's just crazy talk. What we meant to say was that the moon will be extra pretty and it would be a good chance to gather with your dearest loved ones to share the experience."
NASA's warning yesterday led to world-wide panic with people frantically purchasing bottled water, canned goods and Twinkies. People then started searching for underground shelter in which to stockpile their supplies and wait until the dust settles after the impact.
Based on reports from news agencies the world over, it would seem most people reacted as they'd seen people react on apocalyptic television shows. One man from Peru, who had just killed his long-time neighbor and best friend during a fight for possession of a box of band-aids, was remorseful over the killing. Said the man "I certainly wouldn't have killed Pedro if there was no comet coming to hit Earth."
In response to the general panic that swept the civilized world, Deputy Director Pennyworth said, "Hey, folks, calm down. Like I said, no asteroid, no impact, no complete devastation, no end to every living organism regardless of how small. Plus, if that were going to happen, a few bottles of water and some canned green beans wouldn't save you."
In other NASA-related news, the space agency unexpectedly gave every employee tomorrow off, extending their weekend to three days. The memo announcing the extra day off also told employees they could take home as many office supplies as they cared to take. Commenting on the memo, Pennyworth sighed, "we aren't going to need them."
