Nevada Militia Honored by Al-Qaeda

Funny story written by T. J. Grover

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

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A hard fought victory for a Nevada militia is collecting an unusual honor; congratulations from one of the U.S. government's greatest enemies.

In a video statement released by Afghan TV, Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri praised the militia for their successful effort against the government, calling them "courageous patriots."

The Bureau of Land Management was called into tiny Bunkerville, NV on April 5 to confront t?a?x? ?c?h?e?a?t? farm owner T?h?e?o?d?o?r?e? Cliven Bundy, who owes $1.1 million to the government over the last two decades for allowing his cattle to graze on federal land. As the Bureau prepared to take Bundy's 1,000+ head of cattle in lieu of payment, hundreds of c?r?a?z?y?-?a?s?s? ?g?u?n? ?n?u?t?s? concerned citizens, armed with assault rifles, migrated to Bunkerville. After a tense one week standoff and despite having superior training, reinforcements in waiting and the law on their side, the BLM p?u?s?s?i?e?d? ?o?u?t? withdrew, citing safety concerns.

Al-Zawahiri, who has led Al-Qaeda since the death of Osama bin Laden in May 2011, said the militia "was the greatest threat to the American government since bin Laden himself, Allah rest his soul," and that any member who wanted to join Al-Qaeda would be welcomed freely. He added that new members would get a terrorist starter kit equipped with turban, fake beard, dynamite vest, and a handy booklet full of helpful ways to undermine the government through threats, extortion, and religion.

The reaction to Al-Zawahiri's praise has been mixed. Some militia members have been so devastated that they've become what they swore to destroy that they have shot themselves with their AR-15s, their last words being a rousing, yet muffled "UHMURIKA!" Others have taken the praise in stride. One 11 year old member of the militia said, "Well, the enemy of my enemy is not my enemy right now, so I guess I'll shoot them later. UHMURIKA!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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