SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - The Russian-flagged ship MV Akademic Shokalskiy has encountered some "problematic issues" after one of Al Gore's climate science projects began its tests. In simple terms, the southern-hemisphere Summer welcomed them with an icy embrace in spite of rumors telling about tragic, melting penguin communities.
The professor entrusted with Al Gore's mysterious device spent nearly every minute of his day telling everyone "it's getting warmer!" He often praised the Cryo-tron as a means to ending the "Warm-Planet-Threat." Meanwhile, roughly 50 passengers witnessed strange happenings on their trip to recreate an expedition by Douglas Mawson which began in 1912.
One "eco-tourist" claimed to have seen the device, that it was surrounded in a blue light, made no noise, but caused a burning sensation under his armpits. A woman was puzzled when her dental work began to receive pop-music transmissions from Miley Cyrus. The captain noticed the ship's compass spinning erratically on occasions, but remained confident of the GPS navigation system.
Large chunks of ice oddly gathered around the ship's hull, only two weeks into its month-long journey from Bluff in New Zealand to Commonwealth Bay in East Antarctica. Still, the lead scientist of Al Gore's project confidently insisted that this was a typical indicator of "disappearing sea ice." Approximately 18 hours later, the ship was frozen in place.
Prof. Chris Turney (Univ of New South Wales, Australia): Climate change is raising global temperatures at a terrifying pace. Soon, the planet could become one huge Hawaii ... or maybe a Playa del Carmen, or Fiji Islands. Everything Al Gore said in 2008 about the Ice Caps is coming true.
In Fargo, North Dakota, anonymous sources claim to have found another "Cryo-tron" device on a train. The two linked shipping containers were opened by Area 51 staff, and the situation is "under control." Staff reporters familiar with Illuminati activities say Al Gore's obsession with Carbon as a "threat to life on Earth" is always making trouble. "Alien cryogenic technology is not a toy" said one agent. The Polar-Vortex effects have created sub-zero conditions for 140 million Americans (-31 degrees F in Minnesota), but if the Cryo-tron had run for a few more days then temperatures could have dropped to -90 degrees F or lower.
The news of a Global Warming "scientist" trapped by "Disappearing" Antarctic Sea Ice has drawn quite a bit of commentary recently. At least one space alien (Grey) has described the "re-enact deadly expedition to frozen wasteland" as "totally F**king stupid."
G (alien): We know Al Gore was behind the Atlantis sinking and at least one Ice Age.... Every sentient being knows - nobody lives on FROZEN planets, and anybody who tries to freeze a planet should be locked-up in a thermal nullification Absolute-Zero singularity suspension field, forever.