Is The Guilt Chip® Right For You?

Funny story written by Aziz Ramajah

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

If you're a mother like me, you have always hoped that you can instill strong self-confidence, a sense of security and an innate feeling of guilt in your child. There were nights I went to check on my son in his crib, watching him sleep and worrying that he would grow up to be someone who didn't feel guilty for the 18 hours of labor he had put me through. That wasn't something I worried about after my good friend and fellow columnist Rachel Caldwell introduced me to the Guilt Chip, the revolutionary product from µmanage, Inc. I've been using it continuously on my two sons and daughter since first trying the Guilt Chip back in 2007. If you are new to the Guilt Chip or just aren't sure this product is right for your family, let me break down the process for you:

1) The Guilt Chip is a tiny 3"x2", perfect for fitting on the forehead or back of the neck of your little darling. Simply make an incision at the desired location and slip the Chip into place (I found this to work best during nap time).

2) The chip begins to work immediately, stimulating the endocrine system into releasing chemicals in the body which trigger the 'guilt response.' At times when an ambient sense of guilt just isn't enough, try guilting through your usual outlet of body language and verbal means. You'll find that within twelve hours of emplacement, the effects of your guilt trip will be nearly tripled!

3) Every 6-8 months, the chip will need to be replaced. This is as simple as the procedure to insert the chip in the first place, so email me or check my YouTube video for more detailed instructions if you need them.

And it's that simple! Tyler, my oldest, has unknowingly been using the Guilt Chip for 4 years now, and as the only woman who will ever love him this much, I can honestly say it has been the best 4 years of his life. He's captain of his soccer team, an expert on the piano and mommy's little angel; all the women at my spin class absolutely adore him! It hasn't all been easy though: last summer he scored a 1900 on his Pre-SAT, but thanks to Guilt Chip, one disappointed look was all it took to bring that failure up to a 2300. You have never seen a 6 year old study so hard, and I owe it all to my friends at µmanage, Inc.

I had the opportunity to talk to Janie Reynolds, Neurologist and founder of the company, and we had some time for a quick Q&A.

A: What inspired you to put all you have learned in your years of neurology into a company that markets guilt?

J: The idea came to me in June of 2002, when my daughter Sarah became second chair violin in varsity orchestra. I knew she had the potential to be first chair, I just didn't know how to make her see that.

A: Is that when you began work on the Guilt Chip?

J: No, it wasn't until late 2004 that I began to research guilt. There was a period of trial and error. I started off trying to be more understanding, but the results weren't showing. I used bitterness and sarcasm towards Sarah and there was slight improvement, but it took longer than I wanted to wait. Finally I had the idea of researching the use of guilt, which had almost immediate effects.

A: What do you have to say to those who claim the Guilt Chip is unethical?

J: You mean to women without kids? I want my kids to be the best that they can be, and if that involves shame then that's what it takes. As a mother of three now successful adults, I can say without a doubt that the years of building reservoirs of remorse were well worth the effort. If you're referring to the congressional hearings linking Guilt Chip to the spike in suicides across the Midwest, all I can legally say is that the evidence was inconclusive and the arguments spotty. All charges were subsequently dropped.

A: What can we expect to see from your company in the future?

J: I don't want to say too much, but let me ask you: have you ever come home and the laundry hasn't been washed? Have you told your husband to take you out to that new restaurant and still haven't been? Would you like to spend the holidays with your family this winter? You won't have to worry much longer!

With a strong, powerful woman like Janie Reynolds behind the wheel and her proven success on children and early adolescents, this mother of three and wife of 11 years is looking to the future µmanage, Inc. is creating with hope.

The Guilt Chip 2.0: look for it this fall!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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