'Excellent' Food Critic Loses It

Funny story written by Matt Brown

Saturday, 4 January 2014

image for 'Excellent' Food Critic Loses It
'That's not wine'

World renowned food critic 'just one more' Larry Le Cellar-door last night shocked attendees at the '7even' restaurant a la 'fit to bursting' pub, aka 'tramp-shed', Chiswick.

Everyone at the table had just sat down for their meals when Mr. Cellar-door suddenly leapt to his feet and flung the table half-way across the room. It knocked a rare painting from its lovely position and sent an elderly gentleman gleefully chomping on some ribs, simply out cold for the night. He was discharged from hospital at midnight but then ran way screaming bloody murder. He hasn't been seen since, although some poor unfortunate lady mit bouffant, almost coughed up a lung during the whole kerfuffle. It is not known quite what had angered Larry and we didn't want to find out as he had turned beet red pretty quickly.

Midway through the battle, after he had fought off the dishwashers, Le Chef's came pouring out from all sides to confront his excellence and a massive brawl ensued. Mounds of the latest crap on a triangle dish with a swizzle of dick sauce went flying around the room and Larry's trademark comb-over was flambed to high-heaven. This main event only died down after they ran out of lamb legs and pork chops to bash each other with and eventually they all fell down in a humped creak.

Now of course the menu at this particular eatery is not to everyone's tastes, including as it does such delicacies as 'Sheep wool custard', 'Spleen encrusted anchovies' 'Diamond filled filed foi gras' and the out of date eggs of the soon to be extinct Quetzal bird. Larry, or as his friends know him 'who are you'? Because he doesn't have any friends, has eaten almost every animal on planet Earth leading us to a problem of no more animals to eat. He has eaten them all in short.

Quite how no one had confronted Mr. Cellardoor and quite how no one knocked out his entire set of chomping teeth from his gurning mouth is anyone's guess, after all for many years he did have his reviews dictated, in real-time as he was munching on his silver noodles and wearing his 'special' one of a kind swisswatch. The ticking, the ticking always kept chefs on edge.

Foodie has now lost his job contemplating soggy egg dishes. He probably never ate anything, instead just tearing off the tiniest piece he could get a hold of, biting it and then spitting it into the eye of a lady in waiting next to him.

A tragic ending soon followed for Larry as he was eaten by a pack of rabid dogs whilst he was walking on the Roger Moore's. Their review is awaited.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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