Santa's residence at the North Pole was dry and sunny with scant snow and ice--a concern the reindeers might not get the sled off the ground smoothly--but Santa himself was maintaining a fierce grin under massive white beard.
This interview prior to the upcoming FOX news interview Santa said he appreciated greatly, in a setting-the-record-straight sort of way.
The "skin thing," as he (and later one of his representatives) put it, was causing him a major headache in extra preparation in the few remaining days to December 24. Santa had found it necessary to fly in cosmetologists "to whiten" him, he said.
The "white thing," he explained, was purely a business move long back, given that over the centuries the big money mostly came from wealthy white industries, hence the "white guy image" in promulgating their advertising during the Christmas Season.
During these comments his facial shades varied--he coughed frequently--from red to purple to black, then back to a mottled green with blue veins. Also, he showed some impatience with elves swarming around him applying whitening substances.
He was coughing frequently due to tobacco, he said, addicted for centuries from carrying the product to various homes.
As to his ancestors, their facial color changed with their moods, Thor for example who could sometimes resemble a ripe red--sometimes orange--bell pepper.
Then again his family album photos could be skewed toward "dark moods," and he'd better get some research going on it.
"Odin?" he said. "I do believe he resembled Muhammad Ali."
As to what did he think of the recent controversy on earth, Santa hesitated then related a time he had come down a chimney to find a conference of Wall Street CEO's waiting for him.
They were all white, he said, and they more or less ordered him to a nearby conference table, causing a serious delay on his rounds to deliver gifts elsewhere.
In fact they were the ones who got him hooked on tobacco, all lighting up the big expensive cigars he'd brought them and offering them to him.
They told him he was looking scruffy and needed "to whiten up" for maximum profits in getting consumers all enthused and out of their homes to buy products.
Santa said okay and they replied, "That's mighty white of you," while laughing big honking laughs.
This was the problem, you see. These guys were his employers and as everybody knows unemployment is a big problem these days.
"Our budget at the Pole is tight," Santa said. "And I can't deal with being foreclosed."
But what about the moral underpinnings to the Christmas season, in celebration of the compassion of Jesus and the spirit of gift-giving in exchange for being "good"?
"Yes, yes," he sighed. "That's why I'm going on FOX news. I need all this exposure for my commissions. And white? Of course. I"ll be plastering it on!"
