Breivik Declared Sane, NRA Make Job Offer

Written by Sidney Bollocks

Sunday, 26 August 2012


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Breivik at last year's Young Labour Party summer camp

Norwegian mass killer Anders Behring Breivik, who killed 77 people, has been declared sane and has been sentenced to 21 years in prison, the maximum permissible under Norwegian law.

However, with good behaviour and no more outbursts about multiculturalism and the 'Islamisation' of Europe, he could serve as little as 10 years.

Breivik is understood to have told his lawyer that he feels his sentence was excessive, after all he only killed government officials and labour party supporters. He has also decided he would like a fresh start in life when he leaves prison; in the US.

Breivik was heard to say "I admire the US and everything it stands for, in particular, its gun laws. If I had been tried by a US court, I would have been looking at no more than a misdemeanor charge and a fine."

On hearing of Breivik's wishes, the NRA is rumoured to have offered him a position as one of its roving ambassadors. A spokesman told us "We've never got over the Charlton Heston thing. When people think of Charlton Heston, they don't think of guns. They think of chariots and a mob that chucked spears and fannied about with swords. Breivik has just the sort of profile we are looking for. The man is a thoroughbred shooter. He'll be a brilliant gun advocate and will help us stop any moves to outlaw automatic weapons. He could never have achieved what he did without them."

An NRA source has also indicated that it is highly likely that Breivik will join Wade Michael Page and James Eagen Holmes in the NRA Hall of Fame.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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