Team USA Smashes 27 Year Old World Record

Funny story written by Sidney Bollocks

Saturday, 11 August 2012

image for Team USA Smashes 27 Year Old World Record
The GDR women's relay team enjoying some time out

The USA claimed a spectacular victory in the women's 4x100m relay, smashing a record set by the former, and somewhat interestingly named, German Democratic Republic, or East Germany.

The women's 4x100m relay record had stood since 1985 and was the Holy Grail for women sprinters. However, the manner in which the GDR set the record all those years ago has been the subject of much speculation and rumour.

On hearing of the USA victory, surviving members of the GDR womens's relay team have come forward and spoken publicly for the first time. Erich Schmidt, who ran the first leg of the relay, spoke of his relief at no longer needing to offer explanations for the longevity of the old record. Gunther Kolb and Helmut Brandt, who ran the second and third legs respectively, explained how the GDR, in 1985, did not possess sophisticated doping technology. Instead, GDR team managers decided to pass off a select group of men as women, knowing full well they would be faster and stronger than their female counterparts.

Erich Schmidt told us, "We were sent to a Swiss finishing school for young ladies. There we learned how to to behave in a feminine manner and how to suppress farts and belches. We were constantly reminded of the need to be ladylike by the token woman who was in the team".

Schmidt went on, "Helga Vorsprungdurchtechnik was the anchor and got across the line in a blistering final leg. Unfortunately, the race ended in tragedy for her. She had been involved in an experimental doping programme, and was using a substance usually reserved for race horses. As she crossed the finish line she suffered a stress fracture of her tibia. She was later put down by the vet from our equestrian team".

A spokesman for the IOC told us a thorough investigation into the matter would be undertaken. It is understood former Olympic sprinters Carl Lewis and Ben Johnson will head the inquiry team.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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