La Corona, Guatemala - The Mayan end-of-daze Calendar has been finally outed as total crap after archaeologists found a turd - er...third! - vital clue in some ancient masonry.
Newly discovered tablets from a Guatemalan apothecary's cave poo-poo the 21 December 2012 doomsday prediction as the work of peyote-addled 8th century nutz.
"Forsooth beware the spineless cactus juices," a decrypted La Corona hieroglyph decrees before slamming equally 'cowardly' apocalypse peddlers behind the spoof Calendar prophecies.
These were generated by imbibing peyote - a psychoactive alkaloid extracted from the Lophophora williamsii cactus, a South American native also called Devil's Root, 'Indian Dope', mescal buttons, turnip cactus, etc.
Widespread abuse by shamanic wannabes fuelled notorious Mayan sex 'n' drug rituals targetting pretty virginal wenches for wild, psychedelic blow-yer-mind romps.
The practice talked up transcendental psychonautics [WTF that? - 'Ed'] as the ultimate path to orgiastic states - with the added bonus of predicting the future.
And spawning babies destined for the druggy Mayan priesthood.
New mothers would also daub their breasts with the toxic cactus buttons to make use of their galactogogue properties.
These greatly enhanced post-partum lactation while producing orgasm-like nipple climaxes just as soon as the umbilical cord was cut.
Quite how all this ended up with the apocalyptic prediction about the world ending on the 2012 Winter Solstice remains unclear.
"Maybe they were just having a bit of a laugh, like," is how one Mayan Professor of Mesoamerican Claptrap put it after decoding the latest masonry find.
Expect nothing much to happen on the baleful December 2012 date.
