Several hours after publicly declaring his opposition to the legalization of such currently prohibited drugs as heroin, cocaine and marijuana, President Barack Obama retracted his anti-legalization statement and told reporters that his administration now favors the immediate and retroactively-effective legalization of these drugs as the most efficient means of reducing drug trafficking and related violence.
It was later learned that the President's turnaround on the hotly contested legalization issue came only minutes after one of his own Secret Service men discovered a plastic baggie containing nearly four ounces of marijuana on Obama's person.
President Obama maintains that his sudden and unexpected philosophical turnaround regarding drug legalization bears no relation whatsoever to the incident; instead, he explains, his change in perspective was prompted by a "revelation" he'd had while visiting the Netherlands, where he gained a new awareness of the societal benefits of a more relaxed drug policy.
Obama insisted, moreover, that the baggie of marijuana found in the pocket of his suit jacket did not belong him.
"I'd rather not toss around unsubstantiated accusations," he stated, "but I have reason to believe that the bag of weed was planted on me by one or more Secret Service agents in retribution for my recent call for an investigation into allegations of Secret Service agents' involvement with prostitutes in Colombia."
In response, the U.S. Secret Service called Obama "paranoid."
When asked to comment on the legality of the Secret Service agent's stop-and-frisk of Obama and the potential legal ramifications of the discovered contraband, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder stated, "Honestly, it's a crapshoot at this point. We're still in the 'he said, he said' phase of the investigation. We'll figure it out eventually, but these perps don't make it easy on us, that's for sure."
