White House Unveils Jobs Plan; key provisions include increased defense spending, national drivers license, and accelerating rate of home foreclosures.

Written by El Capitaz

Monday, 22 August 2011

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There is audacity, and then the truly audacious...

The President addressed a group of reporters and lawmakers today, and announced his long awaited economic stimulus and job growth plan.  In his trademark style of measured pace and confident articulation, the Chief Executive outlined key parts of his plan. 

"Today, I am signing an executive order, enabling crucial steps needed to produce real economic results." He began. 

"The American people deserve better. They're tired of partisan politics, and business as usual. They want results, and our plan will deliver, with  provisions to grow both public and private sector jobs. 

First, we need to invest more into defense spending. We've got rogue nations on every continent, that pose a terrorist threat to our national security. We're gonna start a new pre-emptive war every twelve months, and in three years we'll add over a million good jobs for soldiers, providing boots on the ground overseas, while supporting families back home. 

And while we contain the terrorist threat, at the same time, we protect the vital economic interests of multi-national corporations with ties to America. It's a win-win. 

But we can't afford to just focus on the international terrorist threat. We need to do more to contain the domestic terrorist threat as well. That's why we extended the Patriot Act, so we could spend more to round up those lone-wolf terrorists, the tea-party extremists, and Ron Paul supporters. To do that, we need more badges in the Department of Homeland Security. 

To help our partners, the States, create good jobs, we're mandating a new national drivers license and ID card, which people will need to have renewed every thirty days. The State Departments of Motor Vehicles will need to expand dramatically to accommodate these new  requirements. Those will be good state jobs, with good benefits. 

And while we increase  the Department of Homeland Security, States, Counties, and Cities will be encouraged to expand their local law enforcement agencies, police and sheriffs departments, to help root out the terrorist, libertarian lone-wolf extremists. 

We need to focus on good private sector jobs too. Republicans, they're always saying we should reduce government regulations. So, in the spirit of bipartisanship, we're going to deregulate the home foreclosure process. Our banks are too big to fail. We bailed them out, paid off their bad loans, and they still get to seize the collateral on those loans--the family home. That's a good deal for banks, and going forward we need to build on that success. 

Allowing banks to quadruple--or better--the number of foreclosures, will lead to more demand for real estate appraisers, commercial property developers, and bankruptcy attorneys--good private sector jobs, with high pay and good working conditions. 

It will stimulate demand for rental housing, apartment managers and maintenance workers, and more. 

Finally, the glue tying it all together, is a provision of my executive order granting work permits to millions of undocumented immigrants. We need to light a fire under our unemployed documented citizens, and motivate them to try harder. 

Competition is the cornerstone of our society, and introducing millions of hungry, hard working immigrants into our workforce, will lower costs for both large and small businesses. It will make our companies and our nation more competitive, in an increasingly global economy. That's what we need, to keep everyone happy."

Predictably, reaction to the Presidents plan was mixed. Rand Paul, the GOP Senator from Kentucky, issued a strongly worded press release condemning  the plan. He objected to branding Tea Party members and supporters of his father, presidential candidate Ron Paul, as "terrorists", claiming that such a characterization was an assault on the constitution and the right of free speech. His statement concluded "We need a president who will focus on reducing home foreclosures, not accelerating them." 

Others, including leading Democratic politicians Harry Reid of Nevada and Nancy Pelosi of California were adamant in praising the White House proposal. 

"It's overdue" Observed Reid. "Especially the crack-down on those domestic radicals, the freedom and liberty nuts. We could start by arresting the whole Paul family. That would sure make Ben (Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve) happy. And just to show that it's not a partisan witch hunt, we could send Dennis Kucinich (Representative, Democrat, Ohio) down to Guantanamo Bay too!"

"It's a home-run!" Beamed Pelosi. "I've been trying to get my nephew a job for months. With his background and substance abuse issues, it's been difficult. But one of those new DMV jobs will be perfect for him!" 

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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