Bernanke Announces Unquantitative Easing

Funny story written by Jason Bourne

Sunday, 21 August 2011

image for Bernanke Announces Unquantitative Easing
Unquantative Easing: Easy Money

Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Ben Bernanke has announced a new round of quantitative easing to be termed Unquantitative Easing.

Treasury Department Spokesmen said that the amount to be added to the money supply will be 'too much to count'. They added that they had lost count.

Unquantitative Easing refers to the creation of new money injected into the existing money supply in order to stimulate the economy. If the economy is stimulated, it may achieve orgasm. If the economy is not stimulated, the result may be an anti-climax, which often shows itself in a steady rise and fall in the idle hands of unemployment.

Critics of the measure say America may be approaching Unquantifyable Easing, a disaster involving too much money, such as in Bongo-sub-congo in the 1990's. In Bongo-sub-congo life became so easy they don't even have to eat. They only panned for gold.


Bernanke defended the measures. 'The U.S. economy is strong, but businesses are suffering from a lack of liquidity. By injecting liquid we expect businesses to become solid.'Gas prices dropped in response to the announcement.


U.S. stocks have suffered measurelessly in recent weeks, with the Down Jones losing 15% since June. Some accuse the Down Jones of down syndrome, and we may be entering a Bear Market. A Bear Market refers to a period when markets become morally sound after a period of excessive Bull. No one wants the grizzly situation. But they may have to grin and Bear it.

Manufacturing in the mid-atlantic states was down 30% over the quarter, according to new report considered a leading indicator of US productivity. Surveyors fear a Double-Dip recession, the first since the Big Dipper in the 1930's. House prices dropped accordingly, despite record disinterest rates.

Mr Bernanke hopes to ease the situation with a third quantum leap. Jim Rogers, founder of Quantum Fund, warned of the risk of inflation. Inflated government figures continued to play pocket-billiards, knowing easing will be unquantifyable for the foreseeable future, putting would-be detractors in a Chinese snooker.

The price of mould rose to a record high this week. Stilton is now at over $1,800 an ounce, as a wedge against inflation.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more